doozy of a heart change. The bad, hard way.

I have not written anything in awhile and I think I'm ready now to update. I have had to pull back from the world for awhile now and just go off the grid to regroup and carry on in the fight. I have been and still am struggle more than I have told anyone. This syndrome and all it's oddities, unexplainable symptoms, not believed symptoms and complications is consuming me. I am not even close to content with my life. I have absolutely nothing besides my God. He is sustaining me in my struggle and I would be nothing without him holding my life in His hands and the promises He makes right now. I'm hanging from a Jesus thread.  The only comfort or any sense of peace I have right now is that His thread will NEVER break.


Folks, I have been in a self discovery phase and you know that one content word I used? Yeah to really learn how truly discontent I am has been hard. It starts with the basic stuff that I have dealt with this whole time such as not being able to drive, or be in public alone, not being able to attend church and frankly just not being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. independence. That's the always saga of my life that I always grieve over but it has grown and not in the right direction.


The grief list and it's severity has taken off like wildfire. Everything good has become a harsh reminder that is beating down my sense of purpose, self worth, and hope that I put it in the wrong things. I have always been sad that I can't participate or live like I feel I should be at this point but I slowly realized something sneak in that I never thought I would let in. Suddenly, watching people's lives unfold hurt more than it ever has. Not being able to do things became my enemy. Not only was I sad  every time I saw pictures or heard about get together's I didn't even know were taking place, engagements, weddings, babies, family, vacations, friends, jobs and anything and everything good I let bitterness and jealousy sneak in.  Instead of being purely joyful for them I would think "well good for them" and then become bitter because there lives were unfolding just like I have always dreamt and imagined mine would.

God and I have done some battling because I am stubborn and want so many things while He sits there telling with incredible patience that He is the only thing I need. over and over and over again. Wants? you don't need those. Let's try again. I AM ENOUGH. I AM  ENOUGH. I AM. God and my own "plans" collide. Slowly and still a work in progress He is teaching me that I do not need a man for life to continue. I don't need a baby in order to be happy. I do not need to leave my bed to find joy. I do not need to attend events in order to find purpose.  EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT OR NEED IS IN THE HANDS THAT CREATED OUR HEARTS DESIRES. Yes, I am still and will continue to grieve losses and that my friends is okay but by the grace of God my bitter and jealous feelings are fading. Little by little. Side by side with the one and only I AM.