Insomnia. Tonight I feel haunted by so many unknowns .This disease feels like it has taken everything from me and I lay here tonight thinking about how I got here, in this situation that I can't escape from. As weird as it might sound this is getting HARDER as my vital signs become semi-normal more often. The post vital check response of wow your numbers are good today makes me want to loose my marbles. In the past they used to always be horrible so I had nothing to prove or explain but now I am left trying to explain that they may be good but for whatever reason the inside of my body does not reflect that. Which is weird and frankly hard to believe and the skeptic look I get from medical staff is like a dagger because it doesn't make sense.
My blood pressure could ok per MY normal but I feel dizzy and like I am going to pass out. Sweet baby Jesus is the only one that can explain that one. All the symptoms of low blood pressure but yet it's not low.
My heart could be within my normal range but I feel like it is racing, I can't breathe, I am weak and disoriented as if it was racing.
These things plus some make me feel like I have to prove how sick I really am and that comes with the constant fear that I will not be taken seriously. I have faced this fear so very many times in my life and it doesn't get any easier. Not being taken seriously or believed at all is hands down the hardest part of this. It's enough to drop you to your knees in a crying heap. I shouldn't have to prove this. Any of it. But here I am doing it because I have no choice, if I don't advocate for myself who will?
self advocating can make some seriously ticked off medical staff that's for sure, making you feel even less validated as your mind gravitates towards them maybe being right. Maybe it is all I my head, maybe it is because I just need to get on a treadmill, maybe I do just need serious counseling that will wash all of this away .
I'm unable to sleep as I feel the weight of the above on my shoulders. Seriously, don't take for granted the little things EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS YOU HATE because you are capable of doing those little things in the first place. And the big things. Be thankful that God has blessed you with them regardless of how tough they may be..because you are able to do them and that is not something everyone can do.
