As many of you know I have some port issues going on in my life right now and the plan is unknown at this time. My doctor is starting to question my need for IV fluids a bit but my nurses (thank you Jesus) are sticking up for me.
The reality is sometimes my blood pressure is normal or even high. That is random and not usually the case but I swear the doctors think that I don't need hydration therapies if my blood pressure is stable because they focus on the good numbers AT THAT EXACT MOMENT and disregard everything else including other symptoms.. I have most of the symptoms on this chart.
Yes, my blood pressure can be normal but often even if it is I still can feel blood draining from my head and feel like I am going to pass out. Also my blood pressure is not my only symptom. I have a variety and overall hydration therapy has worked on treating me as a whole better than any medication ever did and does. I do have tolerable days and that is great but in no way does that mean I am better or cured or no longer need treatment which the medical world has a hard time with and doctors who have not been with me from the beginning seem to think I am really not that bad.
My good life and my bad life can change back and forth in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I look like this:
My condition could change so rapidly that 5 minutes later my life becomes this:
Due to living two lives basically I am emotionally fragile and as weird as it sounds if my blood pressure is normal I cringe because I have a fear of everything being taken away from me just because they caught me at an ok time. Right now I am emotionally fragile because I don't know what my doctor is going to do but I will always have a fear in the back of my head that they will not believe me and declare my treatments unnecessary. It consumes me. Anxiety and depression just slither there way in and I loose my marbles. The best thing about God is He can pick up those marbles and put them in perfect order. He is a God who gives and a God who takes away. The take away part is so very hard and scary to try to wrap your head around but I KNOW He doing things for the good of others through this and probably my suborn self as well.
That is the gist of it. on Friday I go back in for more clot busting medications and if that fails well, I just don't know but it's scary and with each blow comes a desire to give up. I won't it is just so hard to live this day in and day and at least for me the emotional aspect to my life journey is so much harder than the physical. I am hanging on but with fear attached. The struggle is real and needs prayers. I am thankful for such a great support system and a God who loves all of my broken pieces and will one day restore them. That is a promise I cling t at times like right about now when everything feels like it is falling apart.
