I had to accept not being able to drive and sold my car. I lost my job, I lost financial independence. Chronic illness doesn't just disable your body it disables your mindset. Leading to poor choices in that regard because I get disability but it is not a lot and I got stuck in this phase of just doing things whenever I could because I didn't think I would get better so why not enjoy what I can. Wrong. I am in NO way asking for money I am just sharing some of the struggles people with debilitating illness deal with. This has left me with so much guilt and shame because the improvements in health made now see the hole I dug for myself and jumped in. I am so blessed to have my parents help me through everything but despite the warnings I am left with no savings and with physical healing comes reality that I am getting the life back that I thought would never happen and that reality snapped me out of that bad mindset really fast. Into the realization that driving again requires money, medical bills are a thing, and adulting after loosing my mind is going to be oh so challenging.
A healthy life is now a reality and to be honest it's daunting. I don't know if I will be able to work again but if so I can't just jump back into my career field, healthcare is demanding and with continued issues I just don't know if I could do it again. It's the only thing I ever wanted and still ever want to do so I am a little lost with that one. I feel lost in general just from loosing everything and not knowing what to do with myself at this point. I had accepted my life and now I am realizing I have to start all over again. I am thankful, oh so thankful but also it's new and new can come with a lot of struggles.
BUT GRACE GUYS, GRACE. God has given me so much of it, I am getting better and although it's scary for me I know God has it under control and He has a perfect plan. He is doing miracles and giving me my life back but throughout it he gave me grace in having parents that have been able to support me and forgive me for mistakes, financial donations for treatments, rides to ER's, infusions and urgent cares, an army of prayers and support and love. Life would be unbearable without the grace God gives out in abundance every single day through the hills and the valleys and even in sin and poor choices.
John 1:16
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.
With undeserved grace and forgiveness I will get through these unknowns on the other side because I know God has a solution before I had any problems, this life journey is a marathon, not a sprint and we learn lessons as we go and I can say I'm learning a lot of them but I am also being restored to life and I have to give it back to the one who gave it to me in the first place and trust in His promises of hope and a future. It may be slow but it's happening.
