struggling with everything

Guys, I will be honest. I have not written in awhile because  I am struggling. I don't really show it but inside it's a war zone. I am overwhelmed by every little thing these days.

As far as my health is concerned, it's complex:

first of all, My port was not working right so I went to a dye study at barnes which turned into a 3 hour very difficult surgery and I was told if I ever need another one it will be an invasive surgery with one implanted on my hip. Lovely. I then got a major allergic reaction from something used on my skin in surgery causing hives galore and a trip to get it looked at for possible infection but it ended up being "just" a raging allergic reaction to who knows what.

I think the last time I wrote something the word "remission" was being discussed. Well, I have increased near pass out spells to multiple times per day. My home health nurse said she has noticed a rather large decline as well. My endurance has greatly diminished and I struggle sometimes to do absolutely anything. I was taking a shower a  weeksish ago and I felt super faint, I barely made it out of the shower and to the floor before passing out. A decline is not what we want but it's what I got.

To add to that I have severe migraines caused by the dysautonomia. My mom called my doctor for me last week because I was in too much pain to call myself. They made me an appointment for October 9th with my neurologist and said to go ahead and go to the urgent care and if there are any issues they can call him. This is the doctor that has stuck with me and fought for me from the beginning so I thought I was covered. Well, the urgent care doctor refused to give me anything besides anti-nausea medications and Benadryl so I had her call my doctor. She returned and to my shock he said no to any other medications. This was a huge blow. Not only is my body betraying me but now the one doctor that I thought had my back turned on me. I was devastated and cried for the whole time we were there. Pure defeat. It is hard to even explain the feeling, I felt like he has given up on me and I had/have no where else to turn. Even going to the ER would be pointless if I don't have a doctor to back me up.  I have not felt so alone and helpless in a very long time. I know it is not hopeless because Jesus but I sure felt helpless and I still do.

I also found out I have to have a ridiculously expensive amount of work done because apparently dysautonomia also affects your teeth. (I am pretty sure there is nothing that isn't affected by dysautonomia.) but this will be done in 3 costly appointments. I oddly enough have dental PTSD from when I was a child and I have survived one of those appointments but I had a massive panic attack, freaked out and it was just bad. Now I have 2 more sessions and I am already petrified of it.

 finances are incredibly overwhelming. I seriously cannot comprehend how people live off of social security. I am beyond blessed that my dad is willing to let me take financial loans from him to avoid interest and I could not be ANY MORE thankful that I have that because I know a lot of people don't but it is daunting because healthcare, dental care and vet care are insanely expensive and incredibly overwhelming. It's just hard to be an adult and want to pay your own bills or even just help with them and you can't.

so, in conclusion please pray for me and my doctor's appointment on the 9th. I'm very nervous about it because I'm not in a mental place to deal with rejection. Also, that my symptoms will stabilize and that I will be disciplined in saving as much as possible so I can contribute to bills. I know most I simply can't pay in full but I need to be more diligent  above saving as much of my social security as possible to at least help and that it will not overwhelm me so much. Pray that my dental appointments will be smoother and that they will be able to figure out what's happening with the cat and that it won't end up costing an arm and a leg. I do have an appointment with my trauma therapist the day before the doctors appointment so Lord willing she will be able to give me guidance on that appointment specifically and basically my whole life.