I have not written in so long time because I have not had words. The reality is I have been struggling a lot and only a select grouping of people know about it.
My physical health as a whole has had some pretty big improvements, I rarely need my wheelchair anymore, I walk and basically if I go down, I go down. It doesn’t happen too much anymore but often enough that I have to be very aware of my body because it still doesn’t know entirely what to do when I move. Overall, though, they are stabilizing. I do have of course some other things going on that still make daily life a big challenge.
You would think that I would be overjoyed but in honesty, being healthy scares me. It sounds crazy and that’s probably because I have been sick for 6 years. So much about the world has changed in 6 years and I do not know how to process and navigate it as an adult. I know how to be sick but being a functional adult is like being 18 all over again and starting life over. I have to learn again how to drive. I have to build up enough stamina to function. I don’t know if I will be able to work in the medical field again so a job is up in the air. It’s just so daunting.
Several months ago I decided to fight back. I knew that my only chance of hope is found in Jesus so I started reading my bible again. I started pulling myself up with the help of Jesus and driving in spirts. I started going back to church again without my wheelchair. I was really trying for once.
When this virus hit the world I crumbled.
I felt so lost, so alone, with no motivation or strength to even talk to people so self-isolation set in even before quarantine. I was struggling with the fact that My metabolism suddenly jumped off the face of the earth and even though I still don’t eat much I have gained 20ish pounds and I didn’t really want to be seen. The quarantine has affected me in multiple ways, one: it gave me freedom to isolate with no push back from anyone. Two: The things that were providing motivation to get up and do anything are temporarily gone. I miss family, I miss the times when I could get out and do something to lift my spirits. I know I am not the only one feeling this way, I would say most of us probably are. I think we can all agree it is a struggle.
I am still reading my bible and praying because it is the only hope I got right now. One of my prayers was direction on what my next step is and the other day I got my answer. Do everything I don’t want to do. For example:
· Get out of bed
in the morning—I would rather not
· Stop sleeping
days away—what else am I
supposed to do and when you are asleep you don’t have to face depression or
other trials
· Get moving
whether it’s a treadmill walk or an outside walk—complete LAST thing I want to do, I would honestly rather wallow in self pity
· Spend time
outside of my room and just be in a different room to break up the monotony of
my days—again isolation,
don’t want to.
There are plenty more but you get the gist! I heard this song the other day and it really hit home.
I have to keep fighting. It is not going to be easy but I know that through Jesus I can do this. My whole life is riddled with hard things and near death experiences and if I can look back now at those times and see that my pain had a purpose and His plan was perfect all along back then even though nobody could see it at the time why would this be any different. It isn’t. This is the truth I need to be standing on.
