I am not even sure why I am awake right now but I have been laying here reflecting on my life and the overwhelming complexity of it. Out of left field a wave of grief just washed over me. There is a phrase that is said all the time, especially by myself and I feel like it has been so overused that it's meaning and significance has been lost. "taking life one day at a time." It is hard to be thankful for what you have today and today ONLY when grief and memories from the past and longings for the future are real and raw. These interferences which in the end comes down to complete trust and peace in God's plan cannot be simply brushed under the rug and disappear. They have deep embedded roots that take work to dig up, process, and break down.
The raw grief of making through a lot of health issues in High School, by the grace of God being freed from them and moving on to then have things come crashing down again goes deeper than I tend to ever say. I made a complete recovery, got my GED, went to college, had a job, moved out all those "milestones" I took my renewed health for granted convinced that all the medical issues were behind me. It never crossed my mind that things could go wrong again. Well, here we are. I missed 2 years of life in high school battling my own body and now in December it will be 8 years since this fight of POTS began.
8 years since what felt like in one day I lost everything I had worked so hard for just came crashing down, shattering into pieces. Of course nobody knows what tomorrow holds but my future is a battle I fight daily. When you are young you try to imagine what your life will look like. You develop hopes and dreams. I never would have imagined that I would be 29 and my biggest dream of a family of my own would be no where close (from my perspective) to happening, if at all. It may not be a part of His plan for me and although my mind knows that what I truly want is what God wants for me not what I want I want for myself, my heart is not in that place. All I can do in this moment is work on trusting and seeking the contentment and peace that comes from the one who made my life and remember that life is hard but God is always good.
Give me faith to believe You are on my side
Open my eyes to see You working in my life
Let the past remind me You never fail--danny gokey
