I would really be ok with this day ending right now. Sometimes I just feel so lost, discouraged, and helpless. My doctors aren't really sure what to do with me, I am not getting any energy back from my virus's and pulmonary embolism thus leaving me bed bound most of the time. I have a cough that makes it hard to sleep and the doctors are clueless as to why, they are also clueless as to why my EKG changed and what it means so they just send me to other doctors to get me off their hands. I have had heart palpitations and extreme pulse levels (160) when I walk up stairs lately and my cardiologist says it really needs to be dealt with by an electrophysiologist. Mine moved and I can't see the new one until the 24th. My nurse was here changing my port needle and she asked me who we would call about it all and I don't even know. I have a ton of specialists but the one who could really help is out of town until next week sooo basically no one would know what to do since it is so complex.
I am feeling so lost and discouraged today, I don't want to live like this anymore but that's not my call. There is a reason the call-maker has me battling this so now I am going back to head knowledge. God didn't allow this in vain, He didn't leave me, He has a plan, He is my creator, He loves me, all this I know and I am clinging to it because my heart is not in the same place. I just have to tell myself all of the truths all the time cause Satan comes up with some crazy stuff.
God's free hope in the chaos of life's trials
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
no words for a title
There is nothing quite like waking up at 6:15 and feeling horrible for the 3rd time in a row. Well, let me try to explain it to you.
1. you instantly wish the rapture would come right now
2. you determine what symptoms you will be dealing with
3. you realize again how your life actually is
4. you shut down and pretend that everything is normal
5. but it's not
6. you take drugs that most likely won't help
7. you realize that bathrooms exists for a reason
8. you become old and use your walker to get back and forth from said bathroom that exists.
9. you collapse with pure exhaustion
10. you realize that the simplest tasks are SO hard
11. you realize you have bid farewell to your old life for almost 2 years
12. you realize how long that is to fight
13. you want to give up
14. you have a mental breakdown because there is no cure
15. you beg God to let you go back to sleep since that is your "break"
16. you acknowledge that you have been basically completely bed bound
17. mental breakdown #2 cause you "could" be this sick for all of your time on earth
18. you wish for the whole rapture thing again
19. you long to be in the real home God has destined for you if you believe
20. you daydream about how great it will be to say goodbye to your diseases that have no cure and be made whole again in the best place you can ever imagine times 1,000 WITH the one who saved you.
21. you realize whether you like it or not God is keeping you around on this earth for His glory
22. Sometimes you pull yourself together and other times you give in knowing its not safe to even get out of bed
23. you proceed to stare at the ceiling feeling sick but not knowing what to do with yourself, ceilings are pretty cool, just in case you didn't know.
24. lay in bed forever until that bathroom calls you again and you become old again. Maybe do some coloring but mostly lying like a veggie
25. discouraged
26. but Jesus
27. repeat
All in the span of 2 hours. It's fun.
1. you instantly wish the rapture would come right now
2. you determine what symptoms you will be dealing with
3. you realize again how your life actually is
4. you shut down and pretend that everything is normal
5. but it's not
6. you take drugs that most likely won't help
7. you realize that bathrooms exists for a reason
8. you become old and use your walker to get back and forth from said bathroom that exists.
9. you collapse with pure exhaustion
10. you realize that the simplest tasks are SO hard
11. you realize you have bid farewell to your old life for almost 2 years
12. you realize how long that is to fight
13. you want to give up
14. you have a mental breakdown because there is no cure
15. you beg God to let you go back to sleep since that is your "break"
16. you acknowledge that you have been basically completely bed bound
17. mental breakdown #2 cause you "could" be this sick for all of your time on earth
18. you wish for the whole rapture thing again
19. you long to be in the real home God has destined for you if you believe
20. you daydream about how great it will be to say goodbye to your diseases that have no cure and be made whole again in the best place you can ever imagine times 1,000 WITH the one who saved you.
21. you realize whether you like it or not God is keeping you around on this earth for His glory
22. Sometimes you pull yourself together and other times you give in knowing its not safe to even get out of bed
23. you proceed to stare at the ceiling feeling sick but not knowing what to do with yourself, ceilings are pretty cool, just in case you didn't know.
24. lay in bed forever until that bathroom calls you again and you become old again. Maybe do some coloring but mostly lying like a veggie
25. discouraged
26. but Jesus
27. repeat
All in the span of 2 hours. It's fun.
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