secret thoughts...

I have been writing this for over a week and agonizing over sharing it, I don't call it secret thoughts for no reason but reality needs shared. This is life.



This is beyond hard and there are things I don't share with anyone at all. I hide a larger portion of my thoughts and feelings than you would think, I don't share my negative moments all the time.  It's time for me to give up my secret thoughts.




This journey scares me and digs deep. I question. God, how long? is this really it? How am I supposed to do this? I had hopes and dreams of a family and a life and I always imagined by 25 I would be married with that family I desire so much. I feel like this syndrome has taken all that from me. I mean God is going to have to literally plop a man in front of the invalid in the bed for any of those hopes and dreams and wishes to occur. I was always told that God will give me the desires of my heart and I thought I knew what that meant, I was wrong. let's just say this is not what I (in my broken mind) think the desire of my heart is. I have been learning that my desires are not exactly God's desires, God's desire is the one promised to me, not my family, love, health or any other earthly desires. This process  has been filled with so much heartache.




Heartache is basically a 24/7 thing as I lay here and look at these walls and stare at the stucco on the ceiling day after day after day. Knowing there is no cure and that I have exhausted my treatment options is crushing. This, right here could be my life for all my days on earth and I can't even begin to explain how scary, daunting, and just the deep deep dent in my soul that happens every time I re-realize it. We are talking daggers here. Some days the tears just don't stop.  I watch friends get married via post wedding facebook pictures because I can't even accomplish being there and it breaks me. Every time. It feels like the world is moving while I stand still, stuck.




I never would have imagined that I would be thrusted back into this world of illness again at all let alone all this. Relying on IV fluids, formula, and meds to keep me alive. The surgeries, the hospital stays, the ambulance rides, all of it. I thought it was behind me. Well, shows what I know. The blessing from my past is that I learned what NOT to do the first time around.  I now know throwing God out the window doesn't work out very well. In this war I am trying to continuously remind myself of what is true. He is my one and only source of hope, peace, and comfort. He guides me , loves me, and forgives me. He is the creator and sustainer of my life and I know He could heal me but I also know that He may not. That's the hard part because His plan is so unknown and through my eyes it is hard to see good coming from being like this. forever.


It's surreal that these are the only things keeping me alive.

It's reality though. I have to wonder what God is doing with this reality of mine. I find some comfort knowing the bible says that this is not in vain and I can't wait to see how it all fits together but for now I battle on one second at a time because that's all I can do, good thing that is all God asks me to do cause I just can't.

serving

I am reading this right now.  YOUR ILLNESS WHATEVER IT MAY BE IS HARD ON YOU BUT REALIZE IT IS HARD ON THE ONES YOU LOVE TOO. It's a lot to be a caregiver. Your problem is not only yours. Keep that in mind.

This book is incredible. It is filled with so much truth about trials, specifically medical ones and how to deal with them through the blood of Christ. It is a personal story of the life of Laura Story and her husband's battle with brain cancer. It's real and honest, and vulnerable. I appreciate her openness about the struggles of life. We all have them but normally we hide them away. If you hide them away it is hard to fully let God use you through it because He has a plan, the struggle is not pointless.  I am learning how to trust God by Laura's example and honesty. God is using their struggle to help others. We don't know what the Lord's plans are and in the moment it is hard to focus and give it to God but when we do hope is found.  It's convicting and has left me in tears many times because she GETS IT, most people don't understand how chronic illness effects the lives of those around you. Your illness is hard and you suffer but it's not only your problem, it is hard on everyone who knows you as they watch you struggle INCLUDING GOD.


Life is hard but would you rather endure it alone or give it up to the one who created you and loves you more than you can comprehend? After all, it's not about you.  This is about letting go allowing God to work through you and your suffering. There is something that has been weighing on my heart. She talks about her desire to do everything on her own and not let others help because that would inconvenience them and rather than admit that she needs helps she keeps going and it's just too much. I DO THAT. She refused to inconvenience the church people and would never admit that she can't keep going. After taking a step back she realized that the people from church who want to serve them are not just doing it for her, but for the heavenly kingdom. Again,  it's not all about you! This is about letting people reach out and serve you because in doing so they are really serving Jesus.


I struggle so much with this. I want control and to say I can do it all by myself but I have reached the point where it finally hit home that I need to surrender my independence and let others serve Jesus through me because it's not about me, it's about Jesus. It's time to reach out against my sinful will. Let it go control freak. Just let go.