A little broken

Today has been nothing short of a nightmare that I can't run away from and my faith is taking a hit. I'm at my breaking point. Just when I feel like things are going to get better it all seems to fall apart on me. I don't know if it is just because I'm still learning how it works but this palliative care thing is not going like I expected. I was so excited and peaceful over it because it seems like for the first time in this long journey I was going to have someone who believes me and will advocate for me and do what it takes to manage my symptoms.  I didn't feel like a drug seeker and they didn't treat me as one for once and I felt more hope than I have felt in awhile.


Well, all of that is crashing down on me. They said as far as pain management goes "if I need it then take it and don't worry about the quantity" when I started this program. Music to my ears right there!!
So I did... and now apparently I am  drug seeking because I took more than originally prescribed. Yes, like I was told. durp durp. 


 They also said they will manage correspondence with other doctors with a COMFORT FOCUS regardless of what comfort measures may need to be used because they are there to help me be as comfortable as possible. These words were exactly what I needed to hear. I have been fighting an incurable disease for years now and I am so far beyond weary. It felt like a miracle. Didn't last long.


I guess I'm in the fight again. I was born fighting for my life, my junior and senior years of high school were spent in a hospital fighting for someone to believe me and help me as I practically lived there, I fought through both and I conquered with Jesus by my side.  I went to school and worked for 3 years, helping other people fight their own battles and I never imagined I would be the one fighting again for myself but it shows how not in control I am. If there is anything that I learned the last few years, it's surrender. Learning and doing are two separate things. It is so hard to do despite my knowledge and experience of God's faithfulness but I will keep at it until Jesus takes me home.

"They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul 

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"--mercy me even if

valleys

The last few months have been hard and they still are, I won't deny that I have pulled the "give up" card many times but especially the last month. Every word of this song sums up my thoughts in a nice little package and I could post it by itself but that's so impersonal.


I caught myself wondering if God could see me down here in my self induced lonely valley afraid and crushed. It just feels impossible to lay this life down. How do you lay down something so big and scary? Then while listening to this on repeat for days I got my answer. "let him show you how you  can lay this down" I can't and will never be able to lay this down but I know someone who can enable me to do it in faith. "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know" yeah that one God I know...that one who can see me and keep me from going under. The one who can make beauty from ashes.  "He is breathing on your dry bones and there will be dancing, There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone. This much I know"


The only God who can sustain me, comfort me, save me, and help me. My soul needs that help. My faith might be thin but I am so in awe of how Faith can be restored when enabled by the source.