A little broken

Today has been nothing short of a nightmare that I can't run away from and my faith is taking a hit. I'm at my breaking point. Just when I feel like things are going to get better it all seems to fall apart on me. I don't know if it is just because I'm still learning how it works but this palliative care thing is not going like I expected. I was so excited and peaceful over it because it seems like for the first time in this long journey I was going to have someone who believes me and will advocate for me and do what it takes to manage my symptoms.  I didn't feel like a drug seeker and they didn't treat me as one for once and I felt more hope than I have felt in awhile.


Well, all of that is crashing down on me. They said as far as pain management goes "if I need it then take it and don't worry about the quantity" when I started this program. Music to my ears right there!!
So I did... and now apparently I am  drug seeking because I took more than originally prescribed. Yes, like I was told. durp durp. 


 They also said they will manage correspondence with other doctors with a COMFORT FOCUS regardless of what comfort measures may need to be used because they are there to help me be as comfortable as possible. These words were exactly what I needed to hear. I have been fighting an incurable disease for years now and I am so far beyond weary. It felt like a miracle. Didn't last long.


I guess I'm in the fight again. I was born fighting for my life, my junior and senior years of high school were spent in a hospital fighting for someone to believe me and help me as I practically lived there, I fought through both and I conquered with Jesus by my side.  I went to school and worked for 3 years, helping other people fight their own battles and I never imagined I would be the one fighting again for myself but it shows how not in control I am. If there is anything that I learned the last few years, it's surrender. Learning and doing are two separate things. It is so hard to do despite my knowledge and experience of God's faithfulness but I will keep at it until Jesus takes me home.

"They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul 

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone"--mercy me even if