my life 1.0: mental illness + chronic illness

mental illness. This is where I am going to start because things need cleared up before I continue. It is a very controversial issue in general and I hate conflict so be nice.  I have had depression and anxiety problems since I was a child. That time in my life is clear as day in my memories because of the response I got when I dared to say anything about it.  I can immediately think of 5 people that sat me down and said everything in their power to convince me that mental illness is not a real medical type of thing, it is me not trusting God. Bible verse after verse was drilled into my head and the key to this was to memorize scripture and every time anxiety or depression hit me just say that verse over and over again until those feelings went away.

Depression was not an accepted word either, instead it was downplayed as sadness. As you can probably imagine when my feelings didn't go away I felt even worse because I believed I was not only failing those who tried to teach me but I was also failing God. I was riddled with shame and my only coping option was to not talk about it and make it a skeleton in my closet.

**please note: I am not saying medication is the only or the best option for everybody. I am also not saying that memorizing scripture to repeat to yourself is a bad or useless thing to do.**

 Turning to Jesus is always the right way to approach everything. So yes, people were right in that aspect but how I would describe it now is that God is the answer but He can use things such as therapy and medications to work in our lives and these "tools" are not automatically sinful. Do I believe that they can be sinful? YES. Anything that we use to take the place of God is sin but using these tools not as replacements but more like supplements is in my opinion and in my life is not directly wrong.  I got the help I needed off of ^^^^^^ principle. It's a principle I follow to this day, I cannot let my medications be my only hope, or my only escape, or my ONLY anything because God occupies that ONLY spot. I also learned that sadness and depression are two separate things.  turning to medications because you had a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month is not what I am talking about. Depression takes on a life of it's own. It's deep and pitch black like a pit of sorrow that tells you that your life has no value so much that you come to believe it. It's real. Scary real.

Somewhere in most cases of chronic illness lies mental illness. It is so incredibly difficult because once a doctor knows you have any form of mental illness it becomes the answer to it all. You are not physically ill, you are mentally ill and have convinced yourself that you are sick when you aren't. I legit could not count how many times this has happened to me. When you are physically suffering having that dumped on you is 100% soul crushing. Your chance at medical help starts and ends right there. Over and over and over. They stop trying to find a cause to your symptoms because they are not real. Imagine having a kidney stone and the doctor comes in and tells you that you are making it all up for attention or for my favorite phrase "drug seeking". Did you just cringe and think that you didn't want to picture that in your head?

It is a vicious cycle because physical illness can be the reason behind mental illness. It is sometimes hard to figure out which came first but in the end that aspect really doesn't matter. I would say it was maybe a year ago when I was hospitalized for the 5,928th time and blood work showed that my liver was struggling a little bit so they called in my GI for a consult. He looked at me, looked at my chart and proceeds to tell me that he thinks it could be a drug interaction and without hesitation he told me that he really doesn't know which med could be the culprit but I really don't need these psychiatric medications anyways which I bet you will disagree with me but there is no such thing as "clinical" depression or anxiety and that I needed to stop psych meds and go to a therapist instead.

My stunned response to such a blunt statement was " I don't think anybody wants that. It really isn't pretty" he just said my liver is fine we will just keep an eye on it and walks out. Now I knew he has a point because yes medications can affect the liver and he could be right in the fact that I should stop some of them which I was willing to do if that was REALLY the problem. I contacted my psychiatrist who said in her opinion nothing she prescribes would do to my liver what was happening. So many years of chronic illness and it is still an uphill battle on the mental vs. physical controversy. My approach to it is to self-advocate. You have to these days. I may not like conflict but when it comes down to my LIFE that we are dealing with I have to stick up for myself. I will polish this off by saying that these are MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.

Summer depression

Summer has always been my favorite season. I would spend hours on an inflatable boat with a trolling motor on the river soaking up the sun and just spending time in God's creation. Being out on or in the water was my happy place. Just being in the outdoors exploring new places and  having fun. It will be almost 5 years since my last vacation with the BFF. We rented  a cabin on the lake, spent our days going on safari's and exploring the land and probably my favorite part was when the sun went down we found a dock to sit at, with our feet in the water just talking away.

Being in the middle of nowhere on a dock and all you could hear was fish jumping, birds chirping and what had to be an army of cicadas making a variety of sounds . I took in every second of the peace and quiet, it's memories I will never forget. 

When I got sick every aspect of my life changed.. This disease has taken almost everything from me. All of those things that I loved I can no longer do and might never be able to do again with every summer bringing harsh reminders of that. Summer has become my depression season. I want what my life used to be more than I could even explain but it's gone without divine intervention.

 Grief waxes and wanes but it doesn't go away. I battle the desire to lean on my own understanding (which is nothing) and loose site of hope. I have been really working on surrendering this to Jesus and leaning on His promises instead of my understanding. I am so thankful that God meets me where  I am. broken. 

right now I have to focus myself on what God promised me even though it may not look like what I expected it's still truth. There is a plan in all of this.

Jeremiah 29:11 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.