Sunday, December 30, 2018

PLEASE READ/ WATCH Anxiety and Depression





THIS. So real, so true but I want to add something . As a believer, this battle has to be one of the hardest things. Ever to handle.  I have been told every one of these words at some point in my life but particularly since I got sick.



You are not trusting God

You are in what if land and you can't be there because Jesus

You are jumping into conclusions and they are all negative

You are not even thinking of what God has brought you through

You are being ungrateful to God for what he has done

Everything you say is not logical or real

Your feelings are sinful and wrong

How can you be struggling so much with things that never even happened

You don't know (fill in the blank worst case scenario) will happen

feeling scared over that next ball being dropped is wrong

feeling depressed when that ball does drop is not acceptable

You know who holds the world so just calm down

You have no reason to act or feel this way



I could continue but I won't. When I end up being told any of this you know what it leads to?

calmness? no

peace? no

Comfort? NO





In reality, it  more often than not  (always) leaves me walking away defeated, feeling like a failure,  lost, ashamed, depressed, alone, invalidated and the guilt, oh the GUILT. SO MUCH OF IT. I  end up believing that my feelings are sinful.  The guilt that comes with the shame over having these feelings in the first place is absolutely crushing.



  I don't want these feelings, I don't want to live in what if land, I don't want to live in fear of that next blow, I don't want to fail God. I want more than anything to pawn it off on Jesus, I want to trust him with my whole heart, I want to live in the moment, I want to have the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Despite my wants Satan has power and He knows how to use it and is pretty good at it. I mean c’mon Who would want to live in such fearful suffering at all times? nobody. That's who. The easy Christian remedy I am told is the standard Jesus will save you if you give it to him, stay in the word, and pray.



There are aspects of everything I just laid out for you  that are true. I know Jesus is my rescue. I know He can take it all away in the blink of an eye, I know I need to trust and that God is worthy of complete trust, I know I need Him to endure my anxiety suffering,  I know none of this is in vain. I know he can crush Satan’s influence with nothing more than a single word.  I know He is using my pain to reach others. I know, I know, I know. Loud and clear.



However, there is something I need YOU to KNOW.  Despite some of these things being true, these unwanted feelings don't (minus a miracle of course) just disappear. Making me feel beaten down and so ashamed of myself is not helpful. In fact, it makes me want to give up because I cannot just simply turn off these feelings and it seems as though people have an expectation that it works like that. . Let me just tell you right now I will not be able to ever meet these expectations so whether you understand them or not please, I’m begging you, think before you talk. Think if what you are about to say even with every good intention could make me feel like a complete failure.

ENCOURAGE ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.

Let me repeat that.

ENCOURAGE ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.

ENCOURAGE ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.

ENCOURAGE ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.



Support me with the hope found in scripture, tell me stories of how God brought you out of hard places and I am not alone. Sit with me in my struggles. Pray for me. You don’t have to know what to say. You don’t have to feel like it’s yours and only yours responsibility to bring me to a place where I have an epiphany and my heart, mind and soul do an instant turn around. Don’t expect an instant turn around. EVER. Sometimes, less is more guys, less is more.





Wednesday, December 12, 2018

uncensored version of my devotional

As most of you know I had the opportunity to share Jesus at the women's ornamnent party on Saturday. I want to thank you all for your support because  it was way out of my comfort zone but you all worked with me and made me feel more comfortable than I thought I would ever be. I said it was recorded but I have had download issues galore but I think I have it fixed. THINK. If you click the link it should pull it up via facebook even if we are not facebook friends. should. Let me know if it doesn't work and I will get frustrated with it some more LOL

https://www.facebook.com/allyson.hartman.3/videos/2230089540348792/?l=3523458466721859591



 I forgot to mention at the time but there is another version of my talk that shares some graphic reality that was not really appropriate for the occasion but if you are interested keep reading.



Romans 3:21-26 The Message (MSG)


The God-setting-things-right that we read about has become Jesus-setting-things-right for us. And not only for us, but for everyone who believes in him. For there is no difference between us. Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.


God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear. God decided on this course of action in full view of the public—to set the world in the clear with himself through the sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. God sets things right through the hope of Jesus.




In an act of such mercy and love God sent hope to meet us where we are. Jesus was sent into a broken world to fulfill God’s perfect rescue plan that each one of us need. But sin can leave us in such oblivion that we don’t even know hope is out there in the first place or we wander so far away that we can no longer see the hope we once had. Both are detrimental, but the good news is it doesn’t end here.



Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



This plan doesn’t always make sense to us, when we are living it, it can be very hard to see how any good can come out of that circumstance but oh man are we wrong.

  I think back on a time in my life where I felt completely hopeless. I had been facing health battles due to some trapped nerves for about 2 years. The physical pain brought me to a place where I believed I could not possibly have faith in a God who makes THIS a part of His plan for my life. Having pushed Jesus out of the picture I still had to have a way to cope. I turned to cutting to escape this life that I could not handle myself.

This cutting coping mechanism I had began was soon not enough. I gave up and didn’t want to fight anymore. I landed myself in a pediatric psych ward. In the background God was still targeting me but I refused to even acknowledge it. My first day involved a mandatory group therapy session where we all went around telling our stories, I think I was maybe the 5th person in the lineup and I have never felt like more of an idiot in my life. The first to go was actually my roommate who shared that they brought her straight up from the ICU where she was barely revived after her third suicide attempt. The second girl shared that she has had several suicide attempts because her boyfriend had taken her hiking one day and when they got to the top of the cliff he broke down, told her he was sorry but he had to go and jumped off  right in front of her. The third girl to go had been raped by her uncle and was now pregnant with his baby. The next had no one, she had been there for 3 straight months and never had a visit or a phone call because nobody cared about her.

I was stunned. I said a few fragmented sentences and we went on to the next person. When it was over I quickly shuffled back to my room with embarrassment. I had a nurse who immediately called me back out to sit at a table in the corner with him to talk. He asked why I was here and again I stumbled through fragmented sentences, but he stopped me. “You know God, don’t you?”. I quietly said yes, and he proceeds to ask me again why I was there. When I didn’t answer he told me to look around at all of these people with shattered and hopeless lives. I knew you were different. You have something that none of them have, hope in Jesus and yet here we are. I ask again why you are here but this time don’t answer me. He reached over and grabbed a bible and gave me passages to look up and sent me to my room to reflect. Letting God back into my life and trusting Him again took effort but I had learned that I really cannot do this myself. I had to be broken to the core in order to be restored. No matter where you run you are His and He will target you, love you, and fix your broken pieces if you let Him. He waits for your return with open arms.

Through the birth of Jesus our true source for hope and joy came to meet us where we are. There are so many hopeless people in this world who do not know they can be put back together. They don’t know the good news that there is a rescue plan out there. They don’t know they have a hope filled future, they don’t know that it’s possible to find joy in pain. They don’t know that they are loved, cared for and cherished. Jesus is desperately needed.

Once I grasped Jesus again my mindset changed. Only at that point was I able to look back at my life as a whole and see the blessings in disgiuse . The journey of life has many speed bumps that I used to  look back at and see nothing but hurt but now I am replaying how God moved mountains in ways nobody  could ever imagine.

 


Psalm 139:13-14 New International Version (NIV)


For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well

.,

 God has a reason for knitting you in your mother’s womb. You were wonderfully made for a designated God given purpose no matter what. Complications  of pre-term labor made The doctors really push my parents to abort me, they said I would be a vegetable and basically a worthless human being if I even survived in the first place Against all odds., I was born alive at 24 weeks weighing 1 pound 8 ounces but still with little to no chance of survival. My life goes to show that God doesn’t do “chances”. I spent 4 months in the NICU with a lot of hurdles, scary times but more miracles than can be counted. The doctors fully believed I would have severe brain damage and my lungs would never be able to support me but Doctors are not the creator and giver of life. The creator calls the shots.

Anytime a loved one is ill in any way affects others. My life events have not only brought me to despair also left my parents with some incredibly hard emotions and feelings.  I am fairly certain one of the hardest moments was the day my mom happened to walk by my bedroom and heard some weird noises. When she went to check on me I was unconscious, gurgling when I tried to breathe. Of course the ambulance crew was called and they were trying so hard to get my airway clear but for some still unknown reason my tongue was so swollen they couldn’t and knew I needed to get to a hospital because my brain and organs were not getting enough oxygen. At the hospital I had slipped into a coma because at some point my organs had failed  that night, nobody knows how long I had been without oxygen and the doctors were not sure I would pull through. This was the worst possible scenario.  They knew my brain was damaged but nobody knew how badly until I woke up.  When I did the damage manifested itself in severe short term memory loss, involuntary movements and I had the hardest time trying to connect words. The MRI showed that the back portion of my brain had died off from a lack of oxygen and doctors thought my deficits would be permanent. I slowly improved and over the course of a few months everything but the memory loss was gone and even that was significantly better. Not only did He destroy brain damage He restored the rest of me at the same time. My trapped nerve issues? Gone. My desire to cut? Gone. My will to live? Restored. My life? Saved.

God took the worst possible scenario and changed it to the best thing that could have ever happened. To me, He gave me my life back. The following 3 years were basically how you would expect a healthy persons life to be.  What I assumed was over was not and trusting is all I could do.



 Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version (NIV)


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

.

 It will be 6 years on the 13th since I was diagnosed with nervous system failure. This is where we have 2 options, fight with Jesus or fail to fight without Jesus. I have done both and there is no hope when we try to do this ourselves. We will fail every single time. This is why God sent us this little baby , He knows we don’t stand a chance without Him. This birth of Jesus changed my destiny, your destiny and the hope of a free destiny for the whole world. This is the good news we celebrate