THIS. So
real, so true but I want to add something . As a believer, this battle has to
be one of the hardest things. Ever to handle. I have been told every one of these words at
some point in my life but particularly since I got sick.
You are
not trusting God
You are
in what if land and you can't be there because Jesus
You are
jumping into conclusions and they are all negative
You are
not even thinking of what God has brought you through
You are
being ungrateful to God for what he has done
Everything
you say is not logical or real
Your
feelings are sinful and wrong
How can
you be struggling so much with things that never even happened
You don't
know (fill in the blank worst case scenario) will happen
feeling
scared over that next ball being dropped is wrong
feeling
depressed when that ball does drop is not acceptable
You know
who holds the world so just calm down
You have
no reason to act or feel this way
I could
continue but I won't. When I end up being told any of this you know what it
leads to?
calmness?
no
peace? no
Comfort?
NO
In
reality, it more often than not (always) leaves me walking
away defeated, feeling like a failure, lost, ashamed, depressed, alone,
invalidated and the guilt, oh the GUILT. SO MUCH OF IT. I
end up believing that my feelings are sinful. The guilt that comes
with the shame over having these feelings in the first place is absolutely
crushing.
I don't want these feelings, I don't want to live in what
if land, I don't want to live in fear of that next blow, I don't want to fail
God. I want more than anything to pawn it off on Jesus, I want to trust him
with my whole heart, I want to live in the moment, I want to have the peace
that surpasses all understanding.
Despite
my wants Satan has power and He knows how to use it and is pretty good at it. I
mean c’mon Who would want to live in such fearful suffering at all
times? nobody. That's who. The easy Christian remedy I am told is the standard
Jesus will save you if you give it to him, stay in the word, and pray.
There are
aspects of everything I just laid out for you that are true. I know Jesus
is my rescue. I know He can take it all away in the blink of an eye, I know I
need to trust and that God is worthy of complete trust, I know I need Him to
endure my anxiety suffering, I know none of this is in vain. I know he
can crush Satan’s influence with nothing more than a single word. I know He is using my pain to reach others. I
know, I know, I know. Loud and clear.
However,
there is something I need YOU to
KNOW. Despite some of these things being true, these unwanted feelings
don't (minus a miracle of course) just disappear. Making me feel beaten down
and so ashamed of myself is not helpful. In fact, it makes me want to give up
because I cannot just simply turn off these feelings and it seems as
though people have an expectation that it works like that. . Let me just tell
you right now I will not be able to ever meet these expectations so whether you
understand them or not please, I’m begging you, think before you talk. Think if
what you are about to say even with every good intention could make me feel
like a complete failure.
ENCOURAGE
ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.
Let me
repeat that.
ENCOURAGE
ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.
ENCOURAGE
ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.
ENCOURAGE
ME WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS.
Support
me with the hope found in scripture, tell me stories of how God brought you out
of hard places and I am not alone. Sit with me in my struggles. Pray for me. You
don’t have to know what to say. You don’t have to feel like it’s yours and only
yours responsibility to bring me to a place where I have an epiphany and my
heart, mind and soul do an instant turn around. Don’t expect an instant turn
around. EVER. Sometimes, less is more guys, less is more.
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