Night time

Bed time is the worst part of my everyday life. It is a time where there is nothing to do but think; I am left processing how much I have been through as the fear creeps in, I realize that I am back in that valley with no end in sight again. It is a sobering thing to really realize you truly have no control over your body. It is not a control that we have ever had in the first place but we convince ourselves that we got this. Laying awake and thinking about how worn down I am and contemplating what my future looks like is a nightly thing for me.

In these vulnerable moments Satan comes in and makes me think things like: What if this antibody test comes back negative? Is that where the doctors give up and tell me it is all in my head?! Is there even another diagnosis I could have? I know I don't have the option of being cured except through the grace of God but is there any kind of treatment I can do? Am I going to have to exist on this earth living in a partially vegetative state forever? .....list goes on.

I have a fear that if this test comes back negative then my doctor will just say he doesn't know and give up on me like the countless doctors did before him saying all of it is in my mind. That is one of the most crushing blows to someone who is suffering and the only way to pick yourself up and walk forward is through God because I definitely will crumble if I hear that. Good thing God heals emotional pain and physical pain because that is a giant pill to swallow. I just have a lot on my mind right now with so many unknowns and mysteries it is hard to see beyond that. I try so hard not to think about my future because that is just too much. One day at a time, right here, right now I know God is pulling me through this and for that presence I am blessed. My "feeling like I have to prove everything" for anyone to believe me is a dark and lonely spot that only God can wash away.

I am waiting on all of my tests to come back and trying not to get anything stuck in my head as far as the results go. Sadly, I would like for it to be positive so I can start fighting in the correct way but I know life doesn't work how I want it to so I am mentally preparing myself for the negative test and then the "what to do now" conversation with my doctor. I should know the verdict by the 26th of the month. Please pray for my "feeling like I have to prove everything" attitude because it is exhausting. Pray for peace and comfort while I wait for the verdict and then the possible treatments that go along with it. Honestly, I am scared that nothing will be found and being beaten all the way back down to where I started. I would say my biggest prayer request is for peace and comfort as I put one foot in front of the other, remembering that God is still in control of my life.