stares and passing out

I hate how when I go places people just stare at me. I would rather have you just simply ask what is wrong with me verses just staring at me and if you are going to stare in the first place don't make it so obvious. At least try to pretend that you aren't doing it instead of the deer in a headlight look. Last time I checked I am not a deer, or a car.

Also, I might have forgotten what it is like to almost pass out in public and rushing to find somewhere to sit that is not right on the floor or in a parking lot. It is like an instant panic feeling as the blood drains from your brain and things get a little "fuzzy". I was reminded when I came close to passing out in 2 parking lots, payless and Chili's so far today.

Old days

I have really been struggling these last few days with my reality. This is what my life has come to and it is depressing to realize I can no longer do most of the things I loved the most. I miss swimming and boating/fishing on cuivre river, late night drives to clear my head, being able to take mini vacations to get away, and being able to simply just go to fast eddie's whenever I want. There is so much more but you get the point.

I look back on how I got here and it is a giant pill to swallow when I feel like I am loosing years of my life again because my body cannot function correctly. I am longing soooo much for a vacation but I have no idea what that would look like. I just miss everything lately so I try to focus on the right here and right now but it isn't an easy task.

Love/hate relationship

I have a love/hate relationship with this weather. It is absolutely amazing out and I love the sunshine and having my windows open but it is also a huge reminder of what I can't do anymore. Summer used to be filled with trips to quiver river to swim or to take the boat and trolling motor out and spending hours out on the water. Trips to creve Coeur park to walk the track and then take a detour and be lost for hours enjoying the weather and the wildlife in the middle of nowhere. Long late night drives to "explore" St. Louis and learning new ways to get places in the process. Trips out to Fast Eddie's to listen to the live bands and watch drunk people being idiots.

All of this has been taken from me and the only way I enjoy the weather is to have my windows open while I lay in bed hooked up to bags of saline so my blood pressure stays stable. needless to say I have been a little sad lately, I don't know what God is doing but it is for an unknown reason so I cling to that since none of this makes sense to me.

future

I have no idea what my future holds. I know you are thinking "well, nobody does" which is technically true but most people at least know what direction they are heading. I know nothing and have no clue where I am headed. I try to avoid thinking about my future but today it is on my mind. Normal every day things that you don't even think about have become so hard.

My social security paychecks are such a blessing but I also know that I will not be able to live off of it or move out of my house. I have no idea if/when I will be able to work again. When you put everything together it equates to me 'never" or at least a long time from now before I will be able to have a normal life. It is depressing to realize that without a miracle I am stuck and I feel like the world around me is going on while I am busy trying to fight this syndrome.

Knowing that I might be stuck in my parents house has been such a hard pill to swallow. I love them and am thankful for them but everyday I think about how much I loved being on my own and living a different life that I loved. I am 23 and the thought that I am no where close to where I can move is so hard, I want it so bad but unless I am able to work again it will not be an option and who knows if I will ever be able to hold down a normal job, some people with this syndrome can but I know a lot of them can't.

The fact that I am young makes this that much harder. I wish so bad to be able to go out and do things, but it only occurs on a RARE occasion. I would love a family of my own but considering I am a mess God would have to just drop someone from the sky because nobody wants to be a caretaker in their 20's. The fact that I require a caretaker in the first place tugs on my heart as I realize this is what my life has become and there is no way out unless God chooses to free me from this.

I am really trapped in my room, in bed because my legs shake so bad that I collapse and I can feel the blood draining from my head and going to my feet where it doesn't belong putting me at risk of passing out. I just don't understand how I ended up in this physical state of chaos all over again. There are things in life that we will never be able to comprehend until we meet Jesus face to face and see how the puzzle pieces of our lives connect.

I'm just feeling a little hopeless as the days and months go by despite the progress that I have made but I know God knows exactly what is happening and has it all under control. The control may not look like what I want it to but I am really learning that God is doing something in my life and I need to step back and trust Him no matter how hard it is to do.