The life you knew....poof

LISTEN TO THE LYRICS BEFORE YOU READ AND IT WILL MAKE MORE SENSE








I am trying so hard to get past the struggle portion, I feel like I will never be what I once was. There is truth in that my life has been forever changed, it will never be the same, I will not get back what I had but I have the head knowledge to know that I can move forward by the grace of God. My heart is a different story and hasn't caught up yet.


  I don't know what forward looks like and a part of me is scared of it. Scared of this right here being my life until Jesus takes me home. Facing that is like a dagger to the heart, it's daunting, sad, helpless, lonely and broken, this whole journey has been all of those scattered around. I am working on letting go of MY hopes and dreams for myself and surrendering them to GOD'S plan for my life and it is hard because they don't always match up. I know His plans are better than I could ever imagine but the hurt is still there and very real. There is no exit sign or get out of jail free cards in trials.


God has me right where He wants me, Broken.


 It is only through brokenness that light can shine through. When we see hardship God see's purpose and healing because He is, was and always will be the only loving savior that can restore our broken minds, bodies and souls. Clinging to Him is all I have left, my only option. Let's not forget that He is your only option as well, when the day comes and He takes us home all of these earthly things that we try to take comfort in or replace God with will be gone as we stand before Him. Family, food, friends, careers, sports, cell phones, and internet will not be there for you to lean on. As this life fades away and all of your idols are stripped away what is left? (rhetorical question)

perspective

I set out on a mission this week to leave my house and do things as much as possible and by the grace of God I have but being thankful for what He allowed me to do is so hard when I now find myself crashing. It is such a balancing act that I haven't figured out yet. I was able to do things and I'm grateful for that but (there is always a but) I am not where I want to be. This week has been so hard, I want my life back, it will be 4 years next month and I am so tired of it I just feel like I'm barely holding on. My heart is sad about what my life has become, I would never have guessed I would be in this spot...again. God's healing hands saved me from the brink of death in a coma so many years ago and I just assumed that I could put it behind me and move on, and I did for 3 years but it all came crashing down in one day.

God can't be assumed. Obviously. It's hard to mourn the loss of the life I had and be thankful at the same time. My perspective has everything to do with it. I know God did not abandon me, fail me or hurt me and when I feel like that isn't true it is all on me. When all I feel is pain and heart break God alone is purpose, everything He allows is not in vain even though I struggle to find joy when I am so wrapped up in the troubles of this world He alone is Joy, hope, love, peace, healing and love and if I seek Him I will find it all.