I set out on a mission this week to leave my house and do things as much as possible and by the grace of God I have but being thankful for what He allowed me to do is so hard when I now find myself crashing. It is such a balancing act that I haven't figured out yet. I was able to do things and I'm grateful for that but (there is always a but) I am not where I want to be. This week has been so hard, I want my life back, it will be 4 years next month and I am so tired of it I just feel like I'm barely holding on. My heart is sad about what my life has become, I would never have guessed I would be in this spot...again. God's healing hands saved me from the brink of death in a coma so many years ago and I just assumed that I could put it behind me and move on, and I did for 3 years but it all came crashing down in one day.
God can't be assumed. Obviously. It's hard to mourn the loss of the life I had and be thankful at the same time. My perspective has everything to do with it. I know God did not abandon me, fail me or hurt me and when I feel like that isn't true it is all on me. When all I feel is pain and heart break God alone is purpose, everything He allows is not in vain even though I struggle to find joy when I am so wrapped up in the troubles of this world He alone is Joy, hope, love, peace, healing and love and if I seek Him I will find it all.
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