Decline

I feel like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. The last couple of weeks my health is going in the wrong direction... and with another surgery coming up I have to be cleared by all of my doctors and the pre-op department at mercy on March 15th.

Also, my new port is malfunctioning more than the old one (of course) but my surgeon doesn't think I should have it in the first place. I now have to find a new surgeon who will take my case (takes miracles for all of that)

Nobody really wants to treat me. My old doctor who moved is as close as I get to having a specialist in this field and our communication is spotty. I have no where to turn because when things go wrong I need a specialist to consult with and see me and I don't have one. I have seen so many doctors but none of them agree with my current treatment, they want to pull feeding tubes and take my port out because I don't need it. --they ignore the fact that this treatment is really the only thing that keeps me from passing out all over the place. I can't be doing all that because if I pass out and hit my head there is a good chance that I would  bleed out. My hematologist reminds me of this every 4-6 months because I am high risk.

This leaves me stuck with no doctor to treat this and in these moments where I really need that help and for my specialist doctors to communicate but that is close to impossible. Each doctor only treats it's one body part instead of the thing as a whole. right now I feel so defeated, stressed, sad, and frustrated that I want to give up on all doctors because all they do is send me to another doctor that says they can't help and sends me to a new one who says the same thing. I am just tossed  around but getting nowhere.

I lost it last night. I want all this to go away  but for now this is God's plan for me and I am not fond of it. honestly. It is hard to believe that God's plan for my life is filled with so much suffering. I don't feel like God is here right now but I know He promises not to abandon us and I will cling to that all of the days of my life. God's unbreakable promises are pulling me through this whether I feel it or not.

valentine's

 As a woman who has always been single valentines day does not mean much other than a little sadness thrown in there. I don't know God's plans for me but I want to share with you something that stills my heart just in case you are in the same boat. Valentine's day is that one day where you are obligated to make your significant other feel special. We all like to feel special sometimes.


Guess what? You don't need a significant other to love you.  In God's eyes you are and always will be the most special person that exists, there is no pressure, no dating, and no sadness involved here. He loves you more than any human can and I think it is important to not loose sight of this fact. YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN FATHOM. That is special. The best kind of special. He is yours and you are his automatically upon belief and will always be no matter what.


Humans can let you down and leave your heart shattered but the love Jesus has for you never fails. It's one of a kind. Having said that we do have feelings and emotions and yeah valentines day is not exactly my favorite holiday but every year for as long as I can remember my dad has returned home from work with not only flowers and gifts for his valentine (my mom) but includes me with my own flowers and chocolate EVERY YEAR. Fathers, I would encourage you to do the same with your own daughter's, it is something that I will always cherish and never forget. Self-esteem is a struggle for me and I am sure for others as well but having that someone regardless of who it is remind you that you are loved no matter what point in life you may be in helps to fill that void that society protocol leaves you with.