Decline

I feel like I am in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. The last couple of weeks my health is going in the wrong direction... and with another surgery coming up I have to be cleared by all of my doctors and the pre-op department at mercy on March 15th.

Also, my new port is malfunctioning more than the old one (of course) but my surgeon doesn't think I should have it in the first place. I now have to find a new surgeon who will take my case (takes miracles for all of that)

Nobody really wants to treat me. My old doctor who moved is as close as I get to having a specialist in this field and our communication is spotty. I have no where to turn because when things go wrong I need a specialist to consult with and see me and I don't have one. I have seen so many doctors but none of them agree with my current treatment, they want to pull feeding tubes and take my port out because I don't need it. --they ignore the fact that this treatment is really the only thing that keeps me from passing out all over the place. I can't be doing all that because if I pass out and hit my head there is a good chance that I would  bleed out. My hematologist reminds me of this every 4-6 months because I am high risk.

This leaves me stuck with no doctor to treat this and in these moments where I really need that help and for my specialist doctors to communicate but that is close to impossible. Each doctor only treats it's one body part instead of the thing as a whole. right now I feel so defeated, stressed, sad, and frustrated that I want to give up on all doctors because all they do is send me to another doctor that says they can't help and sends me to a new one who says the same thing. I am just tossed  around but getting nowhere.

I lost it last night. I want all this to go away  but for now this is God's plan for me and I am not fond of it. honestly. It is hard to believe that God's plan for my life is filled with so much suffering. I don't feel like God is here right now but I know He promises not to abandon us and I will cling to that all of the days of my life. God's unbreakable promises are pulling me through this whether I feel it or not.