struggling-prayers needed(novel warning)

For a multitude of reasons I woke up this morning just feeling lost. I don't know what I'm doing in life, what God is doing with me, what my future holds, and I'm battling with the "how did I get here..again?" sadness and defeat.  I feel so alone. Not the kind of alone from a lack of physical/prayer support  but the alone in a world I never wanted to enter, alone in the pain that no physical support could even touch, the alone in my day to day fiasco of keeping myself alive, the alone in the fact that nobody can truly understand how hard this life of mine is day by day. It's brutal in every possible way.


I feel like I'm not living but just existing.  I am caught up in the fact that my hopes and dreams appear to just be fading away. Everything feels like it's fading. It's just me and God. I know He is always me and God but the feeling of it is heavy hearted right now.(don't judge me) I know He is all I need and He will get me through this, I am just stumbling through life at the moment. It is an odd feeling when you reach the point of realization and reality that God is truly 100% ALL you have. Yes, I know He is all anyone has but the feelings that come along for the ride really mess with you.


Unless God decides to do a miracle (which would be #5,000 in the book for me!) this is my reality. I am still pretending it's not. My dad and I were talking and he used the phrase "disabled adult" and I almost lost it I don't want that label. It feels so final. Just typing it was hard. How do you even begin to wrap your brain (what's left of it lol)  around the fact that this might be it. I might be stuck like this forever. It scares me. I don't even know what it feels like to be healthy anymore, I can put on a brave face like at church and stuff even though it feels like my heart is crumbling. Someone please tell me where my life went.


I lost my ability to drive, my ability to go places or be outside, my ability to be left alone and my ability to pretty much do  everything that I loved. Just poof gone. I now spend my time in bed with tubes going everywhere to keep me alive. Again how did I get here?! I don't know but it is so defeating. Please God don't let this be my life forever and if you choose not to you gotta carry me because I got nothin'.