burdens and expectations

I think (for me) the emotional/mental toll of being chronically ill is by far greater than my physical symptoms. It beats you down to levels you didn't know existed. It provides the perfect opening for Fear, hopelessness, sadness, depression and anxiety to work it's way in and create a big mess that nobody can see. It's a prime example of Satan at work.


 I could not tell you how many nights I have spent in tears because just the thought of facing another day overtakes me.  The mental knowledge that I may not get better here on earth is so defeating that sometimes I want to throw in the towel and curl up in a ball forever so I don't have to face it. No matter how many times I am told that I am not a burden the feeling just doesn't go away.


I expect so much out of myself  when deep down I know I will never meet these expectations I hold onto. This mindset leads to despair. (I wouldn't recommend it) I get super frustrated about not being able to do the little things that seem so simple so I attempt them anyway. My dad says the same thing every time I have to text him that I am stuck on the floor. 1. are we making poor choices again? followed by 2. now why did you think you could do ________ in the first place?! 


 I long to be able to do the things that someone who's 25 can do and I struggle so much with loosing my independence that I attempt my poor choices anyway. Then I get myself stuck. It's a daily battle in more ways than one. It's hard to see how this is for my good but Jesus promised it is so I try to step back and re-focus myself toward the TRUTHS we are promised by a God who is way bigger than any illness and can restore my heart.


This has been, is, and will always be my favorite verse of hope.
 Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future