I
think this is the longest I have gone without an update. I have LITERALLY been
trying to type this for WEEKS. The truth is I don't have words, I don't
know how I feel or how I am. I have so much floating around in this little
brain that I begin to feel like I can't take one more thing. I have to block
everything out and avoid distractions in order to focus on seeking
God as my source of the mercy, love, truth, promises, strength, and hope
that I need to keep fighting. It's too much to put any sliver of the strength
God gave me into anything besides literally staying alive. Which is a full time gig!
I'm
an advocate for letting yourself have a pity party with the knowledge that
tomorrow you get up and keep fighting. When you have a chronic illness a
mental illness is bound to come along for the ride. The battle of mental health
is seriously so much worse than the physical side. I have been feeling really
down lately even though nothing drastic is happening and it is just another day
in the life with POTS and pity parties happen all the time, but this
time right here is different, I'm struggling to get back up again.
The
mundane stuff that shouldn't and normally wouldn't bother me is bringing me
down. It's hard because I feel like I shouldn't complain about the little
bumps in the road considering how far I have come and should instead be
grateful for the drastic improvements god has given me over the past 5 years.
but yet here I am in my despair pit feeling SO MUCH GUILT for having such a hard
time even though nothing major is happening. I'm just discontent to be real and
feeling guilty over it. Then I read this this morning
"Maybe
you are having a really hard day or Maybe like I have a lot, a mundane hard day
like this is feeling really hard and maybe its kind of over a small thing but
it’s still hard. it’s ALL valid. Life is hard. This is why we have Jesus.
SO WE DON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP when it does get hard."
Mundane
hard. That sums it up. Despite nothing major I am still having to fight with
all of me to keep going. The fight doesn't take breaks, it's always there,
maybe the severity will change from time to time but for now just my
daily POTS battle is feeling particularly hard. The day to day tasks feel
harder, coping feels harder, all of it. The struggle to get back up is real and
raw.BUT POSSIBLE so here we go.
2
Corinthians 1:7
And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just
as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
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