CRISIS

I am something. I don't even know what. I know everything is in God's hands  where it should be but it FEELS like my whole world just crashed in on me. My worst case scenario is actually playing out and I am crumbling. As of this morning I was fired from home health due to a medication discrepancy. Home IV's? gone. home nursing? gone. Port access outside of a hospital? gone. It's all gone. Every part of me wants to throw my hands up and give up but I am well aware that is not an option. I'm fighting every second of everyday and sometimes things like this happen and it boils over and I feel lost and 100 percent helpless to do anything but watch it fall apart in like slow motion. AGAIN. For the 5,000th time.

*the problem lies in a miscommunication on medications from  both parties*


Going forward,
1. I have to let God in and guide me as I try to find a new home health care agency that is willing to do things the way my doctor wants. I have been told the odds of finding that are slim to none.

2. I could go back to the clinic 3 days a week for 3-4 hour infusions but due to the nature of the problem my doctor and staff are completely not happy people about everything and just the thought of stepping foot in there makes me want to cry and run away.

3.Done. I'm just over it, everything. I have no desire to even deal with this at all.  Literally Jesus take the wheel here because I can't. I CAN'T.


4.My doctor could easily try to blame this on any number of my medications and take them away.

MIA

I think this is the longest I have gone without an update. I have LITERALLY been trying to type  this for WEEKS. The truth is I don't have words, I don't know how I feel or how I am. I have so much floating around in this little brain that I begin to feel like I can't take one more thing. I have to block everything out and avoid distractions  in order to focus on  seeking God as my source of the  mercy, love, truth, promises, strength, and hope that I need to keep fighting. It's too much to put any sliver of the strength God gave me into anything besides literally staying alive. Which is a full time gig! 

 I'm an advocate for letting yourself have a pity party with the knowledge that tomorrow you get up and keep fighting.  When you have a chronic illness a mental illness is bound to come along for the ride. The battle of mental health is seriously so much worse than the physical side. I have been feeling really down lately even though nothing drastic is happening and it is just another day in the life with POTS and pity parties happen all the time,  but this time right here is different, I'm struggling to get back up again.  

The mundane stuff that shouldn't and normally wouldn't bother me is bringing me down. It's hard because  I feel like I shouldn't complain about the little bumps in the road considering how far I have come and should instead be grateful for the drastic improvements god has given me over the past 5 years. but yet here I am in my despair pit feeling SO MUCH GUILT for having such a hard time even though nothing major is happening. I'm just discontent to be real and feeling guilty over it. Then I read this this morning

"Maybe you are having a really hard day or Maybe like I have a lot, a mundane hard day like this is feeling really hard and maybe its kind of over a small thing but it’s still hard. it’s ALL  valid. Life is hard. This is why we have Jesus. SO WE DON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP when it does get hard."

Mundane hard. That sums it up. Despite nothing major I am still having to fight with all of me to keep going. The fight doesn't take breaks, it's always there, maybe the severity will change from time to time but for now just my daily  POTS battle is feeling particularly hard. The day to day tasks feel harder, coping feels harder, all of it. The struggle to get back up is real and raw.BUT POSSIBLE so here we go.

2 Corinthians 1:7

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.