change of heart

This song hit me today. I struggle as I said before with finding love and wanting a family. Well, this song triggered a memory that reminded me how much love I already have in Jesus. He loves me so much that he pursues me even in my darkest times. “You knew I couldn’t make the change so you became the change in me” and now I live to tell the story of a god who rescues. There is no denying it my life story proves that I am already loved by someone far greater than I could ever find on this earth and a clear purpose we all have on this earth. To allow Jesus to change us especially in those times when we can’t make the change (which I am pretty sure is always)

Back in the day when I was struggling so much with health stuff that I ended up in the psych ward because I didn’t want to keep going, defeat had taken over. I was cutting and it was just a bad situation that landed me in the pediatric psych ward. If you have heard my testimony you might recall the horror of my first group therapy session where we had to share why we were there. This is where God’s love started chasing me. Listening to the stories that were seriously horror stories and absolutely heartbreaking, I stumbled through some words in shock when it was my turn I was so embarrassed. Talk about shame. It flooded me and  I couldn’t escape it. I had thrown God out the window awhile before this so I had no where to turn but internally and sink further into depression.

This is where God hit the fast track. I wasn’t moving but man was His love. I had a nurse who immediately called me back out to sit at a table in the corner with him to talk. He asked why I was here and again I stumbled through fragmented sentences, but he stopped me. “You know God, don’t you?”. I quietly said yes, and he proceeds to ask me again why I was there. When I didn’t answer he told me to look around at all of these people with shattered and hopeless lives. He said he knew I was different. He said “You have something that none of them have, hope in Jesus and yet here we are. I ask again why you are here but this time don’t answer me.” He reached over and grabbed a bible and gave me passages to look up and sent me to my room to reflect. Letting God back into my life and trusting Him again took effort but I had learned that I really cannot do this myself. I had to be broken to the core in order to be restored. No matter where you run you are His and He will target you, love you, and fix your broken pieces if you let Him. He waits for your return with open arms.

Love really does move first. It wasn’t my love but the all knowing, all forgiving, all loving, all merciful, and all faithful love that targeted me and was not about to miss. Anyway, I was just reminded today how real God is and when He wants your heart, He is going to get it. It might take cutting, a psych ward, and real life horror stories to get there but He doesn’t give up on his people. I am still in awe of how He chose to get ahold of me. It is mind blowing but you can’t put Jesus and His love in a box. Even if I don’t get the desires of my heart that I want I already have been given the biggest desire, Jesus who saved me, and loves me more than any earthly person could. Is it still hard? absolutely but reminders like these help re-focus your thoughts off yourself and into the arms of God

vulnerable issues and update

 Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. I just haven't had words. A couple of months ago I saw a specialist in mast cell activation disorder and he isn't convinced I actually have it but pending testing he put me on 4 high dose anti histamines and wanted some specific tests done when I am in a flare up. Well God is good and ever since I started  the medications  I haven't had a bad enough attack to get the testing. I still have them but they are mild or don't last long.

Over the last few months I have been able to drive a little bit and felt well enough to function a little. My stamina is low but that goes with the territory. My home health nurse has even noticed that my vital signs are improving so we casually talked about remission and maybe slowly weaning off medications since I'm more stable, I let myself think too much on that one.

A few days ago I had a follow with my heart doctor and I was telling my improvements and mentioned weaning stuff and all that and it was a strict NO because we are nowhere near doing that and some other discouraging things that I won't say on here. He concluded with the fact that even though the specialist doesn't think it is mast cell activation, there has to be a link somewhere somehow because I started feeling better after going on so many anti histamines, do we know the link? nope of course not ha.. but he said that can give me some hope that we might be able to help me someday.

Here is the thing, going into this appointment I for the most part suspected that it would go that direction but there is always that piece of you that gets overly hopeful that feeling better means it's over. Except that it’s not. The doctor just said it is great that you are feeling better right now and to enjoy every bit of it and he will see me in 6 months. I still am not entirely sure how I feel about it or my life in general for that matter.

This might be the most vulnerable post I have ever posted but I feel like it’s a hush hush thing when it shouldn’t. I think the root comes down to shame and self-esteem.

Growing up there were only 2 things I ever wanted. One was to work in the medical field but more so to be a wife and a mom. The Lord blessed me with 3 years working in the medical field which I am thankful for but there is still a desire of my heart that hasn’t happened. Love.

Let’s just say there has to be attraction somewhere on BOTH sides in order for dating to occur. That is something that has never happened for me (except for a single sided attraction on a couple dates that ended in creepy eHarmony people. Yikes)…but the reality is that cuts into one’s self-esteem.

At least for me it is a source of shame and a grocery list of what I think the reasons are for never having male “attention” for lack of another word. This has been a source of major increasing heartache since high school.

Now I have this disease to be the header of my grocery list. The biggest deterrent in my life. I just turned 29 and I never would have imagined this is what my life would be like right now and with each birthday the heartache just grows. My feelings of loneliness, self esteem issues, depression and grief have been at the forefront to where I feel like I have to guard my heart. Seeing life milestones of others such as watching friends get married and having kids just turns into grief. ( insert: sorry if I didn’t attend your wedding here) just watching the deepest desires of my heart happen around me is just hard because I am genuinely happy for them but heartache comes along for the ride.

I can’t say I blame someone for not wanting to get into a relationship with this unpredictable disease and it’s baggage, I would probably do the same thing to be fair. I know I don’t need any of these desires to have a fulfilling life because I know in the end it all come down to God. I know He is all I need and He may or may not grant my heart desire, if he doesn’t right now I would be pretty devastated but ultimately I believe fully that whatever His plan for my life may be is where I want to be. My ultimate longing is to follow God’s plan, whatever that may be, however hard that may be it is still the best place to be. Lord knows He might have to remind me of that statement 50,000 times but it’s true.