change of heart

This song hit me today. I struggle as I said before with finding love and wanting a family. Well, this song triggered a memory that reminded me how much love I already have in Jesus. He loves me so much that he pursues me even in my darkest times. “You knew I couldn’t make the change so you became the change in me” and now I live to tell the story of a god who rescues. There is no denying it my life story proves that I am already loved by someone far greater than I could ever find on this earth and a clear purpose we all have on this earth. To allow Jesus to change us especially in those times when we can’t make the change (which I am pretty sure is always)

Back in the day when I was struggling so much with health stuff that I ended up in the psych ward because I didn’t want to keep going, defeat had taken over. I was cutting and it was just a bad situation that landed me in the pediatric psych ward. If you have heard my testimony you might recall the horror of my first group therapy session where we had to share why we were there. This is where God’s love started chasing me. Listening to the stories that were seriously horror stories and absolutely heartbreaking, I stumbled through some words in shock when it was my turn I was so embarrassed. Talk about shame. It flooded me and  I couldn’t escape it. I had thrown God out the window awhile before this so I had no where to turn but internally and sink further into depression.

This is where God hit the fast track. I wasn’t moving but man was His love. I had a nurse who immediately called me back out to sit at a table in the corner with him to talk. He asked why I was here and again I stumbled through fragmented sentences, but he stopped me. “You know God, don’t you?”. I quietly said yes, and he proceeds to ask me again why I was there. When I didn’t answer he told me to look around at all of these people with shattered and hopeless lives. He said he knew I was different. He said “You have something that none of them have, hope in Jesus and yet here we are. I ask again why you are here but this time don’t answer me.” He reached over and grabbed a bible and gave me passages to look up and sent me to my room to reflect. Letting God back into my life and trusting Him again took effort but I had learned that I really cannot do this myself. I had to be broken to the core in order to be restored. No matter where you run you are His and He will target you, love you, and fix your broken pieces if you let Him. He waits for your return with open arms.

Love really does move first. It wasn’t my love but the all knowing, all forgiving, all loving, all merciful, and all faithful love that targeted me and was not about to miss. Anyway, I was just reminded today how real God is and when He wants your heart, He is going to get it. It might take cutting, a psych ward, and real life horror stories to get there but He doesn’t give up on his people. I am still in awe of how He chose to get ahold of me. It is mind blowing but you can’t put Jesus and His love in a box. Even if I don’t get the desires of my heart that I want I already have been given the biggest desire, Jesus who saved me, and loves me more than any earthly person could. Is it still hard? absolutely but reminders like these help re-focus your thoughts off yourself and into the arms of God