vulnerable issues and update

 Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. I just haven't had words. A couple of months ago I saw a specialist in mast cell activation disorder and he isn't convinced I actually have it but pending testing he put me on 4 high dose anti histamines and wanted some specific tests done when I am in a flare up. Well God is good and ever since I started  the medications  I haven't had a bad enough attack to get the testing. I still have them but they are mild or don't last long.

Over the last few months I have been able to drive a little bit and felt well enough to function a little. My stamina is low but that goes with the territory. My home health nurse has even noticed that my vital signs are improving so we casually talked about remission and maybe slowly weaning off medications since I'm more stable, I let myself think too much on that one.

A few days ago I had a follow with my heart doctor and I was telling my improvements and mentioned weaning stuff and all that and it was a strict NO because we are nowhere near doing that and some other discouraging things that I won't say on here. He concluded with the fact that even though the specialist doesn't think it is mast cell activation, there has to be a link somewhere somehow because I started feeling better after going on so many anti histamines, do we know the link? nope of course not ha.. but he said that can give me some hope that we might be able to help me someday.

Here is the thing, going into this appointment I for the most part suspected that it would go that direction but there is always that piece of you that gets overly hopeful that feeling better means it's over. Except that it’s not. The doctor just said it is great that you are feeling better right now and to enjoy every bit of it and he will see me in 6 months. I still am not entirely sure how I feel about it or my life in general for that matter.

This might be the most vulnerable post I have ever posted but I feel like it’s a hush hush thing when it shouldn’t. I think the root comes down to shame and self-esteem.

Growing up there were only 2 things I ever wanted. One was to work in the medical field but more so to be a wife and a mom. The Lord blessed me with 3 years working in the medical field which I am thankful for but there is still a desire of my heart that hasn’t happened. Love.

Let’s just say there has to be attraction somewhere on BOTH sides in order for dating to occur. That is something that has never happened for me (except for a single sided attraction on a couple dates that ended in creepy eHarmony people. Yikes)…but the reality is that cuts into one’s self-esteem.

At least for me it is a source of shame and a grocery list of what I think the reasons are for never having male “attention” for lack of another word. This has been a source of major increasing heartache since high school.

Now I have this disease to be the header of my grocery list. The biggest deterrent in my life. I just turned 29 and I never would have imagined this is what my life would be like right now and with each birthday the heartache just grows. My feelings of loneliness, self esteem issues, depression and grief have been at the forefront to where I feel like I have to guard my heart. Seeing life milestones of others such as watching friends get married and having kids just turns into grief. ( insert: sorry if I didn’t attend your wedding here) just watching the deepest desires of my heart happen around me is just hard because I am genuinely happy for them but heartache comes along for the ride.

I can’t say I blame someone for not wanting to get into a relationship with this unpredictable disease and it’s baggage, I would probably do the same thing to be fair. I know I don’t need any of these desires to have a fulfilling life because I know in the end it all come down to God. I know He is all I need and He may or may not grant my heart desire, if he doesn’t right now I would be pretty devastated but ultimately I believe fully that whatever His plan for my life may be is where I want to be. My ultimate longing is to follow God’s plan, whatever that may be, however hard that may be it is still the best place to be. Lord knows He might have to remind me of that statement 50,000 times but it’s true.