How am I really doing overall? praises and prayer requests

I feel like I haven't been giving proper overall updates. So, it's a weird spot for me right now with many different angles but I will try to explain the best I can.

Let's start on the miracles. My body is re-conditioning itself which means it is beginning to compensate for itself when I change posture. My blood pressure will still drop but usually not to where I pass out. It's a rarity now that a pass out occurs! Miracle! On that compensation thing my heart rate is still unstable and all over the map. Normal at times, other times it's really high at like 140-150 which does cause it's own set of issues. I will explain in a second but we are focusing on the good currently. I have even been able to drive again! HUGE MIRACLES. Healing is actually happening after 7 years!

now onto the fact of healing not healed. My heart rate issue I mentioned can wreak a lot of havoc and is so 100% unpredictable. Minute by minute. That havoc is my biggest struggle physically, mentally, and spiritually. Physically it gives me migraines that are so so hard to get under control. I'm going on week 3 of one straight where with powerful medications my pain levels go up and down but it's always lurking. It takes it's toll and is debilitating at times. It also creates dizzy spells which are fun. I just get overwhelmed and discouraged SO FAST.

Mentally, This may be hard to wrap your brain around. Believe me I am absolutely thankful for God's mercy getting me to where I am now but as weird as it sounds healing is very hard.  I have adjusted over 7 years to accept my syndrome and learned to live with it. Knowing that there isn't a cure and as doctor's say I am at a higher risk for "relapsing" due to the severity of the situation sticks in the back of my mind trying to steal my joy.  Let's be honest here being a normal person is terrifying to me. I don't know how anymore and I am living in limbo land unsure of how much my body can actually do. (remember: healING not healED) Can I even manage a job with my debilitating days thrown in? Can I return to working in healthcare which is all I have EVER wanted to do and love? Is my shakiness of unknown origin going to prevent me from drawing blood or starting IV's? Can I do any job and still have my port and work out making sure I can still do infusions? The list of my questions could carry on forever. So much stuff that I have a tendency to overwhelm really quickly forgetting that the power of Jesus reigns over all of this. 

 Yes, God is changing my life but in my sin I struggle with where the line is between such thankfulness and that not being enough because I am not healed where I want to be. Why do I doubt that God has this and I don't need it? Why do I doubt Him and perfect his plan for me when He has pulled me through so very much before? it's not like He can't do it again. Why do I question and worry about anything at all when I know that God has promises me a hope and a future?

Jeremiah 29:11 11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I heard this song and couldn't help but reflect on my unbelief. Lord help me with my lack of faith and let go and put everything where it belongs- in Jesus hands because He has already given me everything I need and it's enough. It's enough.

Lonely

 I am going to be vulnerable and share with you what I am struggling with as of late and God's response to me. I had a day last week where I was just feeling so alone. It was one of those ugly breakdowns where you just loose it all. It was triggered by me seeing those around me moving on in life, doing things and having life milestones (marriage, family, jobs, babies)  which I am truly happy for everyone but my heart takes a beating because I feel like I sit here stagnant with huge hurdles that most people never even think about in life but are the reality of my life on a daily basis.

This disease took so much from me and I am now learning new things it is taking away that I never would have thought about before. A lot of grief. On that day last week I reached a despair level because this is never what I thought my life would ever look like. My self-esteem is not being seen through the right lens. My non reality lens sees "who would ever want to date or marry all this" I am so aware that I have an identity crisis situation going on and what I have to fight with and the restrictions I have are not what defines me but my mind and  my heart aren't matching up.

Anyway, the reality of where I am at in life was really getting to me deeply that night. Grief and loss seemed to catch up with me. I went and tearfully talked to my dad because I needed encouragement right then. We talked about a lot of things but the one that is really sticking with me is that I want to be where God wants me to be more than wanting the things that everyone else has and I dream of.  I don't understand His plan nor do I particularly like it but if this is where I should be I need to surrender my earthly desires and focus on the ones that actually matter. suffering with Jesus is better than any hope or dream I have for my life. The thinking takes work to divert my old thought process too and it's HARD but I have experienced what happens when you go against God and it doesn't end well. 

If I want to live for Jesus I have to put my earthly desires  in His hands.  I don't know much about my future purpose for God but my heart and my mind have to be empty in order for God to fill it up so that is what I am working on, the things of this world make that hard but my favorite verse gives me a sense of peace as I work through surrendering.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hope and a future.

As far as the song goes I heard it the day after I had my mental breakdown and it is so perfect. I am never actually alone and He is in this fire standing next to me with all His power.