Lonely

 I am going to be vulnerable and share with you what I am struggling with as of late and God's response to me. I had a day last week where I was just feeling so alone. It was one of those ugly breakdowns where you just loose it all. It was triggered by me seeing those around me moving on in life, doing things and having life milestones (marriage, family, jobs, babies)  which I am truly happy for everyone but my heart takes a beating because I feel like I sit here stagnant with huge hurdles that most people never even think about in life but are the reality of my life on a daily basis.

This disease took so much from me and I am now learning new things it is taking away that I never would have thought about before. A lot of grief. On that day last week I reached a despair level because this is never what I thought my life would ever look like. My self-esteem is not being seen through the right lens. My non reality lens sees "who would ever want to date or marry all this" I am so aware that I have an identity crisis situation going on and what I have to fight with and the restrictions I have are not what defines me but my mind and  my heart aren't matching up.

Anyway, the reality of where I am at in life was really getting to me deeply that night. Grief and loss seemed to catch up with me. I went and tearfully talked to my dad because I needed encouragement right then. We talked about a lot of things but the one that is really sticking with me is that I want to be where God wants me to be more than wanting the things that everyone else has and I dream of.  I don't understand His plan nor do I particularly like it but if this is where I should be I need to surrender my earthly desires and focus on the ones that actually matter. suffering with Jesus is better than any hope or dream I have for my life. The thinking takes work to divert my old thought process too and it's HARD but I have experienced what happens when you go against God and it doesn't end well. 

If I want to live for Jesus I have to put my earthly desires  in His hands.  I don't know much about my future purpose for God but my heart and my mind have to be empty in order for God to fill it up so that is what I am working on, the things of this world make that hard but my favorite verse gives me a sense of peace as I work through surrendering.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hope and a future.

As far as the song goes I heard it the day after I had my mental breakdown and it is so perfect. I am never actually alone and He is in this fire standing next to me with all His power.