I have had some really rough times lately. More down than up. I push through some of it to make it to church or out with my extended family but it is just beating me to the core. Satan is really trying hard to defeat me and given my track record God is letting him do his best with one rule: you can't kill her. I don't know why God is allowing all of this in my life but let me tell you tonight I am really struggling to keep it together and not give up and curl into a ball until magically I am better again. I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me but I feel like I need an adrenaline rush of strength right about now because it is just not there. I spent Saturday in the ER with a migraine and it took a lot of drugs to get rid of it and it is very faded but still hanging around in my left eyeball and I had an upper GI last Thursday to figure out why I have such bad tongue and throat pain and the imaging and biopsies came back perfectly normal so, it is unknown why my throat feels like it is on fire and all I can eat is ice cream and I can barely drink water due to the intense burning. My doctor has said he doesn't know what to do at this point; my stomach shrank to where I could stop eating all together and wouldn't notice and I haven't decided if it is better to not eat than to only eat ice cream because really I could go without that. So, Migraines and a throat that literally feels like it is being burnt can be added to the list.
I caved and setup PT, my first appointment is Monday at DePaul. I am dreading it because due to my CNS condition it will make me really sick after each session as if I am not sick enough already. Due to setting this up though I did get a call from my electrophysiologist who left a message on my machine telling me that I don't quite have my CNS (autonomic dysfunction) description correct. Basically I haven't wrapped my head around what it really means. So, hear is what I was told. It is a traumatic brain injury but in the form that people think of normally. It is usually thought of as a blunt force or shake of the brain that cause inward and outward signs automatically but in my case it is an inward traumatic brain injury within my brain and the connections. The "wiring" and connections suffered a severe trauma at the onset of my seizure and POTS that they misfired and are continuing to misfire so it is basically the aftermath of an inward wiring traumatic injury. I have a couple of out outward signs such as balancing issues and some issues with my speach but most are internal where my body can't handle everyday fluctuations and when it goes postal and has a misfiring hissy fit I can pass out, puke, have my face be really hot and bright red while the rest of me is cold and much more. If you just look up what the CNS controls you could see how having it not be in control could be a problem. So that is fun.
I went to the grocery store today and almost passed out and couldn't find stuff to buy because things look good but I know the burning that will follow so I can't eat it. I am contemplating since ice cream is so bad for you if I would be better off not eating but that is also really bad. I can't even drink ensure anymore to get nutrients. So, yeah satan is trying really hard but he has to go through a might God that has my best interest in mind and let it be for his glory if my life is a battle of spiritual warefare I can only pray that in the end God is glorified and people will see Him through me and it will only make that day when He calls me home that much sweeter and I can only imagine the joy I will feel knowing it is over and God will forever reign. Really, I don't see why satan even tries he knows he won't win and I know he wants to take as many with him as he can to "one up" God or something but seriously dude this is one person you can NEVER one up so you might as well GIVE UP.
Seriously.
ReplyDeleteThis post was awesome and quite the encouragement to me. God is indeed glorified in your struggles! (and heck yeah, eternity will be all the sweeter!)
Can't you just see Satan just grasping wildly, trying to grab hold of whatever tiny thing he can, as he hurls into the deep abyss? I feel like that's what's happening. He knows he's lost and that's why he's just trying to grab at whatever he can. Then we just look at him and say,'Really? Really? Did you really think that was going to work? You might be able to make me trip, but you can't take me with you. God's already won. HE will ALWAYS be victorious.' GOD will get all the glory in the end. What a comfort. What a blessing. What a promise.
Sorry about the docs not knowing anything. I'm praying for you! I've gotten tests back with everything reading normal when obviously something was not normal (like tingly hands and blue/purple feet), but other than being annoying symptoms as long as they weren't indicative of some serious problem, I can deal. But dang, a burning throat & tongue? Yuck. That's so weird how you can do ice cream but not ensure. Silly bodies. So confusing.
I'm praying for you! God DOES give you the strength needed to fulfill the tasks at hand. It's when we try to be our own god and determine what our limit is and how much strength He should be giving us that we get into trouble.
Try and remember that when He created you and when He decided to save you and bring you to Himself, He KNEW you were going to deal with all this. I know I frequently struggle w/ my lack of energy, so I'm trying to remember that when God called me to Himself, He knew what He was getting into.He knew what my capabilities and limitations were. I'm not disappointing Him by having to rest more than most 20-somethings. When I grieve God is when I try to take matters into my own hands and try to do more than He designed me to do--and because of my pride.
sorry, rambled there. you get this super long message too! I've just had lots a thoughts in my head lately.
Praying, praying, praying for you!
Ha, I obviously don't mind rambling because most of my posts kind of end up being ramblings. I don't think before I just type what is on my mind so sometimes that is a lot of random bits which is all ok. We don't have to think in nice organized paragraphs all of the time!
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