My time in the psych ward

I would hope that you would be able to figure out by the title; what the topic of this blog post is about. This is by far the hardest thing I have to include when I share via the internet or in person my testimony because there is a lot of guilt and bad memories behind it. In fact, I used to leave the whole thing out but God pulled on my heart and told me that this is a part of what He did in my life and that should not be left out whether I like sharing about it or not. I ask that as you read this you do not look at it in judgement but that it would lead you to glorify God and how He truly can make all situations work for our good. Lastly, before I began I know a lot of you will not know this story and will probable be shocked because I was always so "strong" but guess what I am weak and I do not have a problem if anybody wants to talk to me about it or even if you struggle with it yourself feel free to contact me, there is a way out and it is all about love and trust. Love and trust that God will take the burden that makes you want to cut and love and trust in your family and support that yo can go to them and express your struggles to get help. God was scarred for you so you do not need to do it to yourself.

One night I am not entirely sure at what point this was in my 2 year ordeal but I had hit a major low and was in so much physical pain I just couldn't take it but I couldn't bear the thought of making my dad spend 15 hours in an hospital with me AGAIN and I didn't want to go and be around all the people and I was still being told at this point that it was all in my head and I was diagnosed with psychosis. I had a pair of scissors in my bed and really without a second thought the cutting began. I had 3 mild cuts on my arm and the stinging and burning pain from that provided an odd instant relief of all of the other things I was dealing with at the time and in a sick way it was freeing. I knew it was wrong which is why I stopped at 3. I didn't want to be doing what I was doing but I felt that I couldn't handle the other things but I could handle the pain from cutting and that realization is what get's you started. I barely slept that night and cried almost all night before the next morning I spent 2 hours panicking and trying to gather up the courage to go tell my dad about the shameful thing I had just done but I knew I HAD to do and I could not be a secret cutter. I wasn't going to let myself be a secret cutter.

That little journey to go from my room, down the stairs, and to the den where my dad was was the most shameful and nerve racking walk I have ever done. I waled in and sat down and I said dad, I need to tell you something...I started cutting last night. I don't entirely remember his reaction because I don't believe it was very vocal I think it was mostly internal processing and disbelief that I would do that. There is a blur in here___________________________ see there is the blur. I was next at my psychiatrist office and she was asking me very blunt questions about if I want to live or not and if I was still suicidal and I was honest, I was. this life was too much to bare and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was done I had given up on God to help me because I thought he left me awhile ago and I couldn't take it. I was sent to Mercy hospital and entered into the psych ward.

I imagine not many of you have spent time in a psych ward before but it goes like this: they take your shoelaces, any bands around your sweat pants, pony tail holders, all shampoo and liquid items, all candy type stuff given to you by your parents and keep it with them in your cubby and you must ask for it they then draw your blood testing for drugs and search all of your belongings and place in a room with another teenager of the same gender. You have a very strict routine; they tell you when you can shower when you need to be in bed at night when to get up when you can come out to the common area when it is time for group therapy and then there was always "exercise class" where we had to walk around the psych ward section single file about 20 times before we could sit down for some more therapy. During this therapy everyone was required to share why they were there and as I listened I felt guilt rush over me because as my turn came around it din't even compare to what these other teenagers have been through. Unimaginable evil from satan was given to these people and they were so lost and without all hope.

A huge changing moment for me was one of the male nurses pulled me aside to a table and asked why I was there and what led to it and all that and then very bluntly just asked me if I was a christian and upon my reply he opened up and said he was too and he told me to look around this room and remember each heart breaking story that these kids have gone and you have something so amazingly powerful that they don't have; God. Most of these kids don't even have family come to visit but yet you have family and above all you have God so WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! God did not do this you chose to give up on him because you aren't paying attention to what He is doing for you and focusing everything you have on all things negative. "Allyson, you have something special compared to almost every case I see in here year after year and this is not where you need to be or where you need to turn so get it together and quit digging in your heels and reach out to God because I can gaurantee He wants you out of here so His arm is stretched and ready to go just don't loose hope, He loves you and He always will even when you don't understand the plan" WOW what a nurse. That day was a changing point I won't lie as weird as it seems even upon release I had a hard time after two cutting experiences I promised my dad that I would never do it again when I saw the pain in his face and when he told me that his heart as  father cannot take it and I have never done it since.

I will say once you have done it once that thought will flash through your mind when times get tough and you just have to let the thought gallop away and move on. I hadn't shared this out of shame but here it is so this happened on top of all of my medical trauma and like I said reach out to me if you struggle with you I know most people think nooo way I would do that but sorry people the correct buttons have not been pushed to bring you to that level so we are all at risk. Get in contact with me if you struggle and need help you cannot do it with God and  support  and I will gladly walk along side you and we will perservere together but you can stop.

Email:ALLHARTMANMOVIP@GMAIL.COM

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