A lot has happened since I blogged before and I refuse to recap so if you want to know something something ask. Anyway, I feel like I am falling apart one body part/organ at a time. I lay here waiting for that next ball to drop and given my life, it will happen eventually.
My health update is well, im alive so that is good. I have spent too much time in the hospital lately and I still feel like crap and they can't do anything for me. It is always great when a doctor tells you they don't know what to f****** do at this point, we have exhausted options. So that is depressing.
Speaking of depressing, I have been struggling with so much anxiety and depression lately. Nobody panic, I am on meds and I have Jesus so nothing is going to occur. obligatory statement for all panickers. Happy now. I am tired and so worn down that sometimes I just feel so lost. I feel like in a blink of an eye everything was taken from me. It is beyond hard knowing it will be 2 years in December when I got sick originally and here I am almost 2 years later still so ill. I hate looking outside because it reminds me of the boating and stuff I used to do in the summer and now it is gone. I miss the gym, the outdoors, working (ok what I did not where I worked) and just feeling like I am a member of society.
Here is a glimpse of my daily life, it' grand:
1. wake up to find out what kind of a day I will have--rarely it's tolerable and I can do things for about 30 minutes without collapsing.
2.lay in bed ALL DAY so I don't pass out (lay if my day is bad)
3. remind myself to eat because I don't really get hungry anymore so I have to remember to eat. The coming up with something is the hardest because I don't WANT anything therefore nothing sounds good. It's a cycle.
4 hook up my IV for half a liter of saline to keep my BP up and pray that I won't pass out or almost pass out, especially if I am in a public location such as the Walgreens checkout lane. That was fun.
5. depending on how I feel I occasionally will get out but I usually feel too sick to do anything besides reside in my cave (room)
6. refresh facebook a billion times thinking that magically it will have a ton of new things. This is where I begin coloring or painting for the rest of my day before it is time for bed.
7. hook up the second bag of IV saline and hook up the process of getting my feeding tube working, the machine is stupid.
8. lay in bed and fall asleep and then wake up 3-4 times throughout the night leaving me a zombie.
I know this is depressing but I am going to be honest no matter what. This routine has been my life for almost 2 years and I cannot even describe how daunting it is that there is no cure and currently nothing else can be done for me so I am stuck like this. I feel like all of my hopes and dreams were taken away, I can hardly walk and as soon as a guy finds out I am sick well, there goes that. I just want to be normal again. Thinking about the future it ends up filling with dreams and hopes that will probably not get to do given my state. My life dream of having a family seems so far away and kind of impossible because people don't like other sick people. It is what it is but it still sucks. God is going to have to perform a miracle if He chooses to in my life because I have so much going against me.
Despite everything against me, I know God has my life in His hands and that conquers all. Amazing. I just need lots of prayers right now as I struggle with this trial God has allowed me to have and pray for healing but most of all pray I will fulfill His will regardless of how hard it will be. POTS and SATAN will NOT win. I am determined to cling to Jesus.
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