The struggle is real. What my life looks like.

That one moment when you wake up at 3am feeling like death all because you did something the day before. Yeah, that is my life. Right now I am feeling the struggle. I want to live life, not just exist there I mean c'mon I sat on a couch doing a bible study and went to dinner and now I feel horrible and probably will feel that way for a couple of days. This is when the tears come as reality sets in again. This struggle is real, hard and scary. I don't know what God's plan is for me in the long term but for now I am trying to keep it together. It may appear that I am doing so on the outside but in reality I am crushing and having to bring my heart that is in a million pieces to the throne of God because that is all I have left. I am beyond done with being sick and I am fearful of what the rest of my life is going to look like and whether any of my hopes and dreams will ever happen.

It is my reality and it sucks. Every dream and wish I have feels like it's falling apart like a collapsing jenga tower. I know God can do miracles and I pray for that but I also know that He let's us face hard trials to bring us to Him and to others. Frankly, this trial may never end and that terrifies me but I have made it through almost 2 years with this syndrome so I know my God will bring me through whatever I have yet to face regardless of how long and daunting it may be.

I know it is going to take a direct miracle from the Lord for me to get better, I can't put my hope in doctors because they are helpless and hit a brick wall in treating me. It is a wall that God could send crumbling but He doesn't promise that. There is no magical cure for this syndrome; No matter what, outside of a Godly miracle, I will have to face the struggle every single day and it breaks me. Forever people, no end in MY sight. It's like taking the wrong road when you are driving at night and you get lost in the darkness surrounded by corn fields and you wonder if you will ever be able to find your way out. Will there ever be a way out for this syndrome? I don't know but I am certain of one thing, I will never be alone because God is walking with me even though I feel lost, broken, and afraid. Almighty God lets do this, no trial is bigger than You.