shattered

"You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be"

"Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun"
-Danny Gokey tell your heart to beat again

God knew I needed this song yesterday. and today. maybe everyday. If you have never heard it then listen right NOW. Reminders that He can repair my shattered heart and my whole life. I struggle with missing my old life so much but it is true my life is just beginning. I have survived more close calls than the majority of people ever will, love's healing hands have pulled me through You would think that I would just realize that I am here on this earth despite me and I could just look back on everything I have been pulled through and have complete peace about my current life. You would think. But no. I have very little peace with my circumstances, I struggle to find purpose and joy while I lay here stuck in bed because my heart likes to take breaks and then go flying to 140 for no reason.

What do I do with myself? why can't I work? Why do I have to do this? again? How did I get here? again? Will I be in this state forever? I have so many questions that I would love answers to but the reality is that I don't need answers. He has no obligation to give them to me. I could be like this forever. I think that is the hardest part, I don't know maybe it is His will for me to deal with this my whole life. As much as I try to not think about that possibility, I realize that it is there even though I can hardly cope with the thought.

I can't cope. No really, I can't cope with any of this. This is exactly why I must be pulled through each and every day. I am really not a very willing participant in the world and would much rather be with Jesus and away from all of this health stuff that I have been happily given. I know that He is allowing all of this for a reason but accepting it and finding joy in it is really something that I have to work on. My life is not ALWAYS that bad. I do have good days thrown in and I am so thankful for them. This life would be so much harder if every single day was just as bad as the last bad day. I GET to have good days. Not everyone gets those. I have had saeed abedini on my mind a lot lately. Could I do what he has done? Could I have that attitude and deep faith through all of that?? I would like to think yes but I seriously question my ability to not turn my back on the Lord if I was beaten, tortured, and dragged away from my family and the life I knew. Honestly, I never thought he would ever be released. Oh ye of little faith over here in my little world.

It goes to show how much power, love, peace and comfort can be found in the name of Jesus. He can enable us to get through each and every day NO MATTER WHAT. So much power in His name. He loves us. Always. Even in our doubt and fear He will never turn away from us. When all is said and done as believers we can't even pluck ourselves from the savior. That is love. A love I will never understand but I have seen exhibited in my shattered everyday life. He puts the pieces back together FOR me. My puzzle is just beginning and even though life is hard, I am so thankful to have Jesus. What would we do without? We have seen how that goes in our human ability to mass murder each other. Living in a sinful, shattered world is not pretty. Thank you God for your son so that we can have all of our puzzles pieces of shattered lives put together again.