feelings on chronic illness and this life that we all live

This will probably be one of my most depressing posts but it's real. Raw but real feelings happen in life to everyone but it's the "let me shove this in the closet reality" that we let people see and hear. Well, guess what? we all face trials of various degrees but we don't talk about them. I know anyone who reads this has a life trial, let's be open and real and say it, I can guarantee no one is alone in their specific trial. God made us to encourage each other through tribulation but if we can't be honest with ourselves and then humble enough to reach out, it doesn't go like God intended.

I am struggling so much physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The hardest part about having a chronic illness will probably surprise you. Emotionally. It takes such a toll on you to fight a disease every day and it drains you when you wake up because EVERY MORNING you have to wake up and make a choice on how that day will go. My choices are based on many things, it goes like this:

1. can I maintain my safety if I try to function and roll off the bed and walk
2. My will to not give up and just say I am done and not care if I waste away in bed
3. Can I fight Satan and roll out and just give life a try even if it fails I can say I tried
4. Choose to truly trust God to care for me as I try to live

That is just a glimpse, there are so many choices a person with a chronic illness has to think about before even making it out of bed that others just don't think about.

People. People are hard. It is hard to hang out with people and hear about life events such as engagements, pregnancies, and accomplishments they make and what their path, hopes, dreams,and realities look like. PLEASE don't feel obligated to not talk about these things around me, I care and I really do want to know! My struggle lies in the fact that I want all of that too, a spouse, kids, even a job. I want to live life and not just exist within it. I want that more than anything so it's hard.

I always feel like the world is just going on without me and really the truth is, it is going right on past me while I sit or really lay here and search for doctors that will say they can't help me and pass me on like a hot potato to the next doctor who says the same thing.

This is my everyday life, yes, it is hard to maintain a sense of love for your patients and their well being because you are running around like a chicken with no head but when you as a medical professional can put yourselves in their shoes it opens a whole new world full of realities; some good, some bad but realities you knew nothing about. Your perspective and attitude changes. This occurs for all really, not just medical people but for anyone. Put yourself in the shoes of those suffering and your heart will soften and change over time.

I know I have a purpose in life even as a non civilized human being but it just looks so different than what MY hopes and dreams and thoughts I had planned. It goes to show we have no control, we pretend but in reality we don't. We do have a God that promises to get us through the hard times but He says they will still occur.

In conclusion, as we battle this sinful world and how hard it is we have hope.

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

If you struggle with depression like I do and it's flared up, do your best to read and focus on what is true. I am trying to practice this as I type, it's hard but with God all things are possible.