I have been having a really hard time coping with the thought that without a miracle, I will have this to deal with forever. I have spoken with a few people who have battled this for 40 years and the only conclusion I have found is that this battle is long and hard. Most have ups and downs but still spend months in bed despite the treatments. I can't really even wrap my brain around the concept of "no cure".
Some do get into a remission like phase but it usually doesn't last long. Some have seen 30+ doctors in the search for just one doctor who will believe and listen and help. I don't understand why so many doctors refuse to do this. Like didn't you become a doctor to help people? Apparently not. I am tired of doctors with inferiority complex's. Be real and honest with me, if you don't have an answer or help to offer please humble yourself to just say you don't know, this is my LIFE we are talking about here. I know I am just "another" patient to you, it is written all over your face but put yourself in my shoes for one minute.
If you did you would see the struggle of waking up everyday to fight passing out spells, fevers, brain fog, plummeting blood pressures, a racing heart that feels like it could explode, endless injections, needles and pumps, nausea, shower chairs at 24, canes, wheelchairs and migraines. You would see what it is like to be bed bound just staring at the ceiling and crying for hours, you will forget what it even feels like to be healthy and do simple tasks, you will learn how it feels to have someone tell you that it is not as bad as you make it sound, it is all in your head, your lying, and my favorite, you are out of options.
As a doctor you have the opportunity to change people's lives. You can build them up with a sense of hope and you can shatter there soul with the words you say. You can enable people to fight or give up. You are not God but you do have people's lives in your hands, they are looking to you for help and sometimes you just need to let go of your "I'm super smart and I know everything there is to know about everything" attitude and humble yourself to help, not hurt. After all, God did not give you the gift of intelligence so you can go around feeling mighty.
I went to my oncologist office to pick up blood thinner injections and since my case is complex I have to have a hematologist treat my blood clotting issues. I was sulking and exhausted as I walked through that door but when I glanced over I could see the chemo infusion room. This oncologist office's main goal is to keep people on chemo without having to be in the hospital all the time, they want you to heal at home so all infusions are done in office and then you can leave after. I looked at the lines of chairs with IV poles hanging and the people who are going through hell on earth and fighting with everything they have just to survive. A room of Bald, pale, and thin people, one in tears as the poison ran through. Life is hard. The effects of sin is shown in everything.
These struggles we all have should not exist. God didn't create the world to be faulty. We got that part covered. I realized how precious the gift of eternal life with a God who loves in a way we can't fathom really is. This world and these trials is not all there is. For those who believe, we will be cured of cancer, nervous system failures, tearful hearts, and downcast souls. We will be made new and this hard life will fade away and we will be cured. Cured from our sin and physical ailments. There is a cure He just isn't here yet but believe me, He is on His way and you don't want to miss out on the mercy He provides. The things of earth will go strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. Seek and you shall find. Because of this we can take comfort in knowing that in all things there is hope. This is what I am clinging onto, it's all I have.
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