Although I am beyond grateful for the "better" morning I had it makes the crash that much harder. It's like you have tasted freedom but then it was taken from you. These downward spirals are brutal. Feeling ok for just a short while is making me feel like the horror is so much worse than it is. Chronic illness, especially at my age makes people who you thought were your friends run away. Being my friend takes sacrifice and quite a bit of it and I am finding that most are not willing to sacrifice anything. Also, yes, I am quite aware that I am not the friend I used to be where I could do things instead of lay in a bed. In order to be my friend you have to be willing to just lay in the bed with me and talk or color and just live life with me on a deeper level.
Apparently, that is too hard for most. I have gone weeks without leaving the upstairs thus not having human contact besides my parents. Normally, I don't mind actually, God made me to be a bit of a loner and I imagine this is why. He knew this season of life would come for me and He granted me grace by making me content with being alone.
Having said that, at times I long for people to live life with. Even if that life involves a whole lot of nothing other than sacrifice. Life is hard and no one can do it alone. God becomes my BFF in times like this where isolation closes in rapidly. Just a girl and a cat and Jesus in fellowship. ok fellowship might be a bad word choice but Jesus has to like cats and I am confident that he knows what they are saying. He will not abandon like most have and is willing to sacrifice at all times and in every way. He should be our best friend, the one that gets you, the one that knows you better than you know yourself, the one that knows what you are thinking before you even speak, the one that you have the most memories and laughs with. Just the one. He is the one. The solution to isolation. Him.
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