God's will

I have heard people in trials say "thy will be done" and I have always thought that there is no way that in the midst of so much hurt one could say that AND MEAN IT. It's an act of complete surrender that I haven't chosen to give up yet apparently . It boils down to fear (at least for me anyway) as odd as it may sound, I'm scared of what happens if I let go. It's sin and a lack of trust, I know.


Giving everything up and basically telling God to do what is in His will for me; even if I don't like how it feels is scary because I don't know what that is, I don't know what God's plan for me is and I struggle with the idea that maybe ALL THIS really is His plan. The thought of it causes me to think that I just asked God to give me the hard "do you trust me" tests. I already feel these tests being thrown at me left and right and any increase in them feels like more than I can handle.


I can't handle it. It's already hard enough. I'm struggling with it but in these moments I have to go back to the basics and remind myself that God is good and everything He allows is for my good even though I don't understand it and so far I am not a fan of this plan but that doesn't change the fact that it is for my good. He has carried me this far so why would He drop me now. That knowledge is comforting to me through my battles. I may be far from being able to say and mean "thy will be done" but my prayer for myself is that someday God will help me get there and I know He will.

 Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good