vulnerable

I have not written in a long time because sometimes I just don't have the words needed to form any kind of a sentence. Also, I rarely feel self conscious about my illness and I usually have no problem dumping my heart out but that just hasn't been the case lately. I have found myself feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable about everything. This fact has changed my thought patterns on everyday life.


It gives sin a chance to cultivate. Instead of feeling happy for others I caught myself slipping into the comparison game. I am finding it particularly hard to sit back and watch as others celebrate "big life events" without self pity. My heart longs to be normal and follow the usual path of marriage and starting a family. That is obviously not happening and I don't know if it ever will, just because it is the desire of my heart in my eyes doesn't mean it is God's desire for me. Those don't match up perfectly because mine is feelings based which can be led astray.


But my feelings are still real. I'm sure you can understand why I struggle. It's the feeling of "but I want ______ too" Comparison and discontentment with the path laid out for me can consume me and in all honesty it has been. I don't see a way out that will meet my hopes and dreams. I don't want to be sick anymore, I want to move on and leave this all behind me. I mourn the loss of what I imagined my life would look like. I struggle with questioning what God is doing here in my mourning. It's hard.


Knowing that my heart is still in the hands of Jesus regardless of how torn up it may be and as I let truths slide back into my consumed heart, I can only pray that God will give me the strength and comfort I need to shape my heart.

"This is not the place I thought I’d be
This is not the road I had in mind in front of me
Don’t see the reason, and sometimes I’m scared
But I know you’re leading, even when I don’t know where

So I’ll put one foot in front of the other
Take one breath and then take another
Lead the way, God, I’m gonna follow you
‘Cause you’re faithful every moment
When it’s easy, when it isn’t
You’ve never led me wrong, never let go
Your love is strong and your arms still hold me
Right here to forever
Like a child and like a treasure
From the start to the end, through the ups and downs
You were with me then, and you’re with me now"-Mallory hope