emotions

Being sick like this produces a whole lot of different emotions at different times. Today I am just sad and slightly defeated--which I feel super guilty about. I hate having to go to the infusion center everyday but yet I know it was an answer to prayer and a blessing God provided when we didn't think things were going to work out. This is why I feel so guilty for feeling like I do.

I am longing for my life back. I want to go back to before all this. Back to the times when work and moving out were my achievements. I never would imagined being an almost 26 year old, on disability and debilitated. I guess God has other plans for me but I'm going to be blunt and real in saying I don't like it. I know God gives and takes away and is still Lord over it all and He wants everything for my good and for His glory. It is just hard to see that in the middle of the pain and heartbreak.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know the root of this is my identity. What AM I REALLY PUTTING MY IDENTITY AND HOPE IN? Doctors, treatments, medications, social status, functionality, friends, money, healing, joy, happiness, self-reliance, finding a husband, a family, friends, and abilities?

Honestly, all of the above. I know I have to chisel those away to get to the only way in which any sort of healing can begin. It begins with the blood of Jesus Christ that saved me and sustains me to this day. There is safety in the hands of God. There is nothing but heartbreak in what I listed above.  I know this and now the work begins of trusting. Easy to say, hard to do.

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not our home

This is not the end. I will be healed. This pain is not forever. God is good even when we don't understand His ways. This all has not played out like I expected it too but God's pulling me through and for that I am thankful. I could not be in better hands.