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As sinners we all are fighting a constant battle because satan is doing his absolute best to pull us away from God and he tends to be so successful at it because of our sin nature. The last couple of months have been extremely hard for me with my anxiety and depression. I think it has probably been one of the worst spells I have had in a long time. Those who don’t have depression tend to have a hard time understanding what it feels like. For every person it is different but I will try to explain how I have felt for the last couple of months.
Depression for me is like looking through a lens where you
cannot see anything. Seriously anything Good about being alive. It takes all
motivation and energy away from you. It steals all your joy, even the things you
love the absolute most you start to not even CARE about them anymore. Getting
out of bed just to go to the bathroom requires a hard core pep talk so does the
simplest action of just picking up my phone in general. Communicating with
people in any form feels impossible. I typically don’t answer calls, texts,
emails or facebook and just pull away as a coping mechanism.
I was in that mood for about the last 2 months and I had my
anxiety medication adjusted (This cycle
started with weeks of never ending all day every day panic for no reason but
not really depression) but when it switched to depression I was trying to
handle it but it consumed me and went deeper than I knew how to handle. I was
laying in bed so lost and made the decision I was going to try to get it under
control but increasing my depression medicine and planned to call my psychiatrist
in the morning but I was so low laying there staring at the ceiling and I had
to have some sense of relief in that moment.
so I picked up my
bible and went to the day of the study I am on and read John 14-16 and the fact
that Jesus prayed for His people that God would protect them by the power of His
name from the evil one and that they would have the full measure of Jesus’s joy within them was so comforting. I had lost that
joy somewhere but even though I felt alone Jesus was with me ready to provide
the full measure of His joy and sure enough I woke up the next day happy. I had
not felt that joy in months, what I needed was not medication but Jesus.
Switching my focus that night from being lost in my inward focused self to God
through His word gave me that blessing of joy and I could not explain how
thankful I am for Jesus to lift that from me. Even when we stray He can come in
and rescue you right when you are at your limit. He is the promise keeper He
promises not to leave us and even when we get lost He is right there waiting for
us to come back.
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