Progress and frustration and God

 vexation

the state of being annoyed, frustrated, or worried

 

First of all,  I learned a new word today that I plan to add to my current everyday vocabulary. I am quite fond of this word because it just sounds awesome when you put it in a sentence. For an example "Your lack of common sense is causing me to be vexed and ain't nobody want to deal with that". I am contemplating replacing the phrase "I'm pissed" with "I'm vexed" just to confuse people. So that happened and I like it.

Also, in the category of  thank you Jesus; yesterday I didn't feel like death. The first day since December 18th. That is now gone and today sucks again but I will take whatever I can get. Jesus and I have started communicating again and I am being completely honest with Him about how I feel which really is not the most joyful thing in the world but He accepts it because He knows first hand that life is not all peachy. Despite my mad, sad,vexed, and  questioning feelings He is listening and has slowly been giving a sense of peace. Now I am sure you all will sit there and be like you are not at peace with this situation it is very obvious due to the complaining and whining and everything else that "Christians aren't supposed to do". I did not say that my mini list of feelings there are gone, I said he is giving me peace which means that despite still having all of that going on in my heart and soul he is showing me that in the end He will work it out. I still feel like I feel but now I have an increased awareness that it will all be okay in the end.

Now, moving onto what is currently making me vexed. c'mon BJC. You are killing me. As if my current pile of crap to deal with isn't enough lets all join together and add a gigantic ball of the following items to the top: (This paper isn't filled out correctly, the new paper also isn't correct, these three doctor's are refusing to fill it out, you had no direct physician following you for a month so we might have to deny this request, I know it was near the holidays so you couldn't get into the correct physicians but that's not my problem we still need someone to fill it out. If it is denied you MIGHT loose your job, benefits, LTD exc. ) I DON'T HAVE  SOMEONE TO FILL IT OUT BECAUSE YOU RELEASED ME WITHOUT TIMELY ACCESS TO FOLLOW UP CARE! BJC failed to do it's part of patient care and now I have to suffer the consequences for it. My current physicians don't want to take the "risk" to fill it out for that month because they didn't know anything going on. Being on the patient side vs. employee side is a whole new ballgame. On the plus side I know have a whole new level of sympathy for my patients that I can take with me to wherever I end up. Same place, new office in BJC, not at BJC at all due to being "let go" who knows besides God. I am a  little a lot ticked off but I have to do what is best for my health regardless of how my employment goes and rely on God to work it all out. He will, it may not look anything like what I expected or wanted it to but He did kinda create the world with His voice so I think He can handle this. Trust.Trust.Trust.Trust.Trust. & blip.blip.blip.blip. This is a blip in life. 

Obviously, I am not in a state of complete peace but God doesn't expect me too. Jesus was not in a peaceful state as He cried out because He didn't want to be be murdered on a cross but God got Him through it and He will get me through this too. On a more positive note I am really working hard to be joyful when I am in person with people. My blog posts aren't always joyful but I'm using this as my place to vent so if you don't like hearing things that are unhappy then don't read my blog, or watch the news, or step foot out of your house into the world full of grouchy people that hate everyone and everything. Anyways beyond the job and lack of patient care I do have some good things in the works. I am on the search for a physical therapist that will take me and given my rare conditions it has been challenging but I am excited to find one eventually and get this party started. Assuming my benefits don't crumble my claim for long term disability and disability from the state is in the works. I have awesome parents that have said they will help me financially as much as I need so I don't have to worry about that. I have the best roommate ever despite our mutual frustrations that happen when you live with someone she can make me laugh without trying and laughing is good for you. I have God. I have been giving a BP med to help keep my BP from dropping and a heart med to help control my tachycardia and they are helping a little bit. I am going to MONSTER JAM tomorrow and I am super pumped about it cause let's be honest who doesn't like watching destruction. So cheers to the completely unknown that I am tired of dealing with and will now try to give it up and move forward.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW CARS CAN FLY

  

Complaining and venting

 I just find this picture hilarious because I admit that I love cats. No shame.


 One of these days my blogs will not involve me complaining but that is not today. The cats that run my household are forced to live with me all day every day in confinement. They love me though. That's what I tell myself anyway. I sound more crazy the more I type about cats so I will move onto the real reason for this post.

New realities are hitting me every day. Today I had a mini mental breakdown due to the fact that I can't walk to the bathroom and breathe at the same time. I can't do anything and breathe simultaneously. I can hear my heart beat at ALL times and when I am standing or walking I can feel it and hear it. In a weird way that is hard to explain it makes you think you are dying. I know I am not but it just feels weird.

Within 15 minutes of sitting straight up a sudden feeling of severe fatigue comes over me. Have you ever been so tired that your muscles hurt and they feel like they won't support you anymore? That kind of fatigue hits me like a brick and I have to lay down or I will feel lightheaded and collapse. It is a sense of tiredness that I have not experienced since my coma back in 2009.

Yeah, so today I have been an emotional basket case realizing how pathetic and weak I have become and longing to be able to go to the gym and work out.I feel much better now though since I'm a daddy's girl and he held me while we watched the crazy people on american idol. Love him and the support I get from him when I have a bad day and get tired of my everyday challenges. He also leads me to God every time and tries to point me in the right direction and for that I am blessed. Some days suck but tomorrow is a new day and I plan on really focusing on God and finding joy even while laying in bed all the time.

On an unrelated note, people are super weird. I am watching the tlc show called my strange addiction and this guy is legit in an intimate relationship with his car. Yes, his car. He kisses it and calls it baby and takes it on dates and says he love her and does other things with it. Sometimes the lack of intelligence in some people is truly amazing.   

The loneliness of long term illness

All humans are selfish. I don't say this to offend, I say this as a fact. We all are by sinful nature. I have found this to be one of the largest issues when dealing with health challenges. I have gotten a ton of support directly after each "near death" experience I have had and for that I am thankful but people it does not end there. When the initial crisis hits often times it is overwhelming and it takes awhile to process. For me anyway this is the time when I need prayer more than physical support. After the shock fades away for me I have seen that it also fades away for those that support me. I am overwhelmed with prayers and thoughts and well wishes at first but shortly after most of that support is gone. The "i'm praying for you" support does exist on occasion shortly there after but in time that will also stop.

As stated I am thankful for the initial support but I have to say that is not when I need it the most. As the journey goes on the more lonely I feel. It is almost like you fell off the face of the earth. The longer the trial of life goes the more support one should get and sadly it goes the opposite. The type of support needed changes as well to more physical support; and by that I mean visitors and human contact. Although I get this from everyone I hold my fellow christians to a higher standard and it has been shown that the support from them is no different than that of a non believer. I am going to be brutally honest. Just because you tell someone you are praying for them does not mean that your Christian duty is done. In fact, it has just begun. It saddens me that I have a whole body of Christ and yet feel so alone.

 The middle of a trial is often times the hardest part and the part where you need people to come alongside of you and show the love of Christ. I have been working on this post for several days because I had to take my time to determine what to say. Putting this out there has not been any easy thing for me because I hate confronting issues. I challenge you to take the time to process in your mind what makes you stop supporting those around you. Is it family? friends? work? school? After sitting in my house for months with barely any human contact I have decided to reach out and bring this to everyone's attention. Prayer is awesome but it should not end at that. I'm not saying I don't struggle with this at all because I do. Think of those around you that are facing a long battle and take some time out of your life to sit with or call them; show them that you care and cherish them. saying you are praying for someone is the easy way out. Please make a commitment not to take the easy way that does not really require you to waste your very precious time and step up and come up with time to help those in need.

I say this with love and I hope this will settle in your heart and drive you to think in a different way that is not all about you and how inconvenient visiting sick people makes you feel. Look beyond your box you created and you just might be able to witness to someone by showing them God's love in person.

Roller coaster ride

 This is the graph of my test results. The 80 is where I should be and the pink is where I was.

 In my current state a tilt test is kind of like being on a "kiddie" coaster. I have never been a fan of roller coaster to begin with because even at a young age I would pass out cold and then look like a limp doll by the time we were done. Which resulted in me being banned from six flags, legit.


For the first 30 minutes of the test you lay flat hooked up to every monitor that exists in the world and an IV. (for those that will ask it was a 5 try process which is really good for me!)  Once they have made you "calm and relaxed" (like that is going to happen) they quickly raise you to an 80 degree angle while monitoring everything your body does. By the time I reached the 40 degree angle I got lightheaded and the doctor was like "yeah that's because your pulse is 120. This already confirms the diagnosis but we have to finish out the test anyway." So, the 80 degree angle it is. My BP dropped to 80/60 making me instantly more dizzy but then in about 2 minutes returned to borderline normal and my pulse went down to 115. I felt a little better for about 5 minutes when all of a sudden I had shortness of breath, chest pain, and numbness in my arms and face. My doctor said my pulse was now 125 and instructed the nurse to end the test early and lay me down before I actually faint.


The nurse then asked when we should do the medication portion of the test where they inject you with adrenaline and see how high your heart rate gets. The doc goes ummm I don't think that is a good idea considering we just had to end the test way early so we are skipping that. The test was supposed to take 45 minutes but lasted about 15 confirming the diagnosis and the severity of my case. Yay me! After I recovered she prescribed 2 medications. One keeps my heart rate down and the other one keeps my bp up in the hopes that it will help me be able to start physical therapy and in her words "hopefully you won't feel like sh** everyday anymore because  this happens every time you stand up." That would be nice.


So that was my day. We discussed work and she said it is a debilitating disease and since there is no cure some people can never return to work but she thinks that at some point I will be able too we just don't know when. I may have to do phones or triage for a long time but at some point I will be able to semi-function. She said it is a state accepted diagnosis for social security/state disability so it should be approved as far as that goes and it should definitely be approved for long term disability. Best case scenario would be one month before I could return to work but that is unlikely to happen it all just depends on how quickly my body can learn to adjust itself.

                Thanks, to my mom this is now the first thing I will see when I wake up every morning.


I have a sense of God granted peace today just knowing that I have a plan and a concrete diagnosis and medications that will hopefully calm my heart down. I am one tiny step closer to being prepared for this battle and right about now as long as I don't take any steps back I am okay with that. Now to go on a hunt for a physical therapist. If anyone knows a good one let me know!!! Thank you everyone for your support.

Acceptance

At some point in life everyone ends up on "That one road." The path crumbles behind you so you can't turn back and you are forced to keep walking straight as night falls and you can't see what is ahead. You walk realizing that fear, doubt and uncertainty is all that you can see and fathom in your mind as you go. At some point you face the realization that this is the situation you are in and you don't have to like it or want it but it is there and acceptance has to happen or you will stand in place; frozen. God doesn't do frozen. At some point this path must be faced head on while trusting God to keep a bear from eating you (that didn't exactly fit but deal with it) all while reminding yourself time and time again "I don't see the end of this path but God does."


This is where I am. Trying to get past the frozen part and move on. I hate being on this path again for the 7,000th time in my life but I am. Do I want to really rely on God? no. Do I want to become un-frozen? no. Do I like to pretend "I" have this all under control? yes. Do I want to stop being mad at God for letting me get here again? no not really. Do I want to accept the amount of time it will take to heal? absolutely not. Really, I don't want to do anything besides turn around and go back to life before October when I lost 25 lbs and was happier than I had been in awhile but since nobody has designed a time machine and I think God wouldn't allow that technology I must face it.


Today I have spent a lot of time working on this whole trust thing in my mind and although I don't feel any closer to trusting Him I do feel a twinge of motivation to try. I will have good days and bad days ahead of me but I need to rely on what I KNOW and not how I feel. I know God has this and will always have it even if I don't feel it so that is what I am drilling into my brain as I go into tomorrow's tilt test to confirm the diagnosis. A baby step towards acceptance has occurred today and eventually I will be walking.