Acceptance

At some point in life everyone ends up on "That one road." The path crumbles behind you so you can't turn back and you are forced to keep walking straight as night falls and you can't see what is ahead. You walk realizing that fear, doubt and uncertainty is all that you can see and fathom in your mind as you go. At some point you face the realization that this is the situation you are in and you don't have to like it or want it but it is there and acceptance has to happen or you will stand in place; frozen. God doesn't do frozen. At some point this path must be faced head on while trusting God to keep a bear from eating you (that didn't exactly fit but deal with it) all while reminding yourself time and time again "I don't see the end of this path but God does."


This is where I am. Trying to get past the frozen part and move on. I hate being on this path again for the 7,000th time in my life but I am. Do I want to really rely on God? no. Do I want to become un-frozen? no. Do I like to pretend "I" have this all under control? yes. Do I want to stop being mad at God for letting me get here again? no not really. Do I want to accept the amount of time it will take to heal? absolutely not. Really, I don't want to do anything besides turn around and go back to life before October when I lost 25 lbs and was happier than I had been in awhile but since nobody has designed a time machine and I think God wouldn't allow that technology I must face it.


Today I have spent a lot of time working on this whole trust thing in my mind and although I don't feel any closer to trusting Him I do feel a twinge of motivation to try. I will have good days and bad days ahead of me but I need to rely on what I KNOW and not how I feel. I know God has this and will always have it even if I don't feel it so that is what I am drilling into my brain as I go into tomorrow's tilt test to confirm the diagnosis. A baby step towards acceptance has occurred today and eventually I will be walking.