Progress and frustration and God

 vexation

the state of being annoyed, frustrated, or worried

 

First of all,  I learned a new word today that I plan to add to my current everyday vocabulary. I am quite fond of this word because it just sounds awesome when you put it in a sentence. For an example "Your lack of common sense is causing me to be vexed and ain't nobody want to deal with that". I am contemplating replacing the phrase "I'm pissed" with "I'm vexed" just to confuse people. So that happened and I like it.

Also, in the category of  thank you Jesus; yesterday I didn't feel like death. The first day since December 18th. That is now gone and today sucks again but I will take whatever I can get. Jesus and I have started communicating again and I am being completely honest with Him about how I feel which really is not the most joyful thing in the world but He accepts it because He knows first hand that life is not all peachy. Despite my mad, sad,vexed, and  questioning feelings He is listening and has slowly been giving a sense of peace. Now I am sure you all will sit there and be like you are not at peace with this situation it is very obvious due to the complaining and whining and everything else that "Christians aren't supposed to do". I did not say that my mini list of feelings there are gone, I said he is giving me peace which means that despite still having all of that going on in my heart and soul he is showing me that in the end He will work it out. I still feel like I feel but now I have an increased awareness that it will all be okay in the end.

Now, moving onto what is currently making me vexed. c'mon BJC. You are killing me. As if my current pile of crap to deal with isn't enough lets all join together and add a gigantic ball of the following items to the top: (This paper isn't filled out correctly, the new paper also isn't correct, these three doctor's are refusing to fill it out, you had no direct physician following you for a month so we might have to deny this request, I know it was near the holidays so you couldn't get into the correct physicians but that's not my problem we still need someone to fill it out. If it is denied you MIGHT loose your job, benefits, LTD exc. ) I DON'T HAVE  SOMEONE TO FILL IT OUT BECAUSE YOU RELEASED ME WITHOUT TIMELY ACCESS TO FOLLOW UP CARE! BJC failed to do it's part of patient care and now I have to suffer the consequences for it. My current physicians don't want to take the "risk" to fill it out for that month because they didn't know anything going on. Being on the patient side vs. employee side is a whole new ballgame. On the plus side I know have a whole new level of sympathy for my patients that I can take with me to wherever I end up. Same place, new office in BJC, not at BJC at all due to being "let go" who knows besides God. I am a  little a lot ticked off but I have to do what is best for my health regardless of how my employment goes and rely on God to work it all out. He will, it may not look anything like what I expected or wanted it to but He did kinda create the world with His voice so I think He can handle this. Trust.Trust.Trust.Trust.Trust. & blip.blip.blip.blip. This is a blip in life. 

Obviously, I am not in a state of complete peace but God doesn't expect me too. Jesus was not in a peaceful state as He cried out because He didn't want to be be murdered on a cross but God got Him through it and He will get me through this too. On a more positive note I am really working hard to be joyful when I am in person with people. My blog posts aren't always joyful but I'm using this as my place to vent so if you don't like hearing things that are unhappy then don't read my blog, or watch the news, or step foot out of your house into the world full of grouchy people that hate everyone and everything. Anyways beyond the job and lack of patient care I do have some good things in the works. I am on the search for a physical therapist that will take me and given my rare conditions it has been challenging but I am excited to find one eventually and get this party started. Assuming my benefits don't crumble my claim for long term disability and disability from the state is in the works. I have awesome parents that have said they will help me financially as much as I need so I don't have to worry about that. I have the best roommate ever despite our mutual frustrations that happen when you live with someone she can make me laugh without trying and laughing is good for you. I have God. I have been giving a BP med to help keep my BP from dropping and a heart med to help control my tachycardia and they are helping a little bit. I am going to MONSTER JAM tomorrow and I am super pumped about it cause let's be honest who doesn't like watching destruction. So cheers to the completely unknown that I am tired of dealing with and will now try to give it up and move forward.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW CARS CAN FLY