My time in the psych ward

I would hope that you would be able to figure out by the title; what the topic of this blog post is about. This is by far the hardest thing I have to include when I share via the internet or in person my testimony because there is a lot of guilt and bad memories behind it. In fact, I used to leave the whole thing out but God pulled on my heart and told me that this is a part of what He did in my life and that should not be left out whether I like sharing about it or not. I ask that as you read this you do not look at it in judgement but that it would lead you to glorify God and how He truly can make all situations work for our good. Lastly, before I began I know a lot of you will not know this story and will probable be shocked because I was always so "strong" but guess what I am weak and I do not have a problem if anybody wants to talk to me about it or even if you struggle with it yourself feel free to contact me, there is a way out and it is all about love and trust. Love and trust that God will take the burden that makes you want to cut and love and trust in your family and support that yo can go to them and express your struggles to get help. God was scarred for you so you do not need to do it to yourself.

One night I am not entirely sure at what point this was in my 2 year ordeal but I had hit a major low and was in so much physical pain I just couldn't take it but I couldn't bear the thought of making my dad spend 15 hours in an hospital with me AGAIN and I didn't want to go and be around all the people and I was still being told at this point that it was all in my head and I was diagnosed with psychosis. I had a pair of scissors in my bed and really without a second thought the cutting began. I had 3 mild cuts on my arm and the stinging and burning pain from that provided an odd instant relief of all of the other things I was dealing with at the time and in a sick way it was freeing. I knew it was wrong which is why I stopped at 3. I didn't want to be doing what I was doing but I felt that I couldn't handle the other things but I could handle the pain from cutting and that realization is what get's you started. I barely slept that night and cried almost all night before the next morning I spent 2 hours panicking and trying to gather up the courage to go tell my dad about the shameful thing I had just done but I knew I HAD to do and I could not be a secret cutter. I wasn't going to let myself be a secret cutter.

That little journey to go from my room, down the stairs, and to the den where my dad was was the most shameful and nerve racking walk I have ever done. I waled in and sat down and I said dad, I need to tell you something...I started cutting last night. I don't entirely remember his reaction because I don't believe it was very vocal I think it was mostly internal processing and disbelief that I would do that. There is a blur in here___________________________ see there is the blur. I was next at my psychiatrist office and she was asking me very blunt questions about if I want to live or not and if I was still suicidal and I was honest, I was. this life was too much to bare and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was done I had given up on God to help me because I thought he left me awhile ago and I couldn't take it. I was sent to Mercy hospital and entered into the psych ward.

I imagine not many of you have spent time in a psych ward before but it goes like this: they take your shoelaces, any bands around your sweat pants, pony tail holders, all shampoo and liquid items, all candy type stuff given to you by your parents and keep it with them in your cubby and you must ask for it they then draw your blood testing for drugs and search all of your belongings and place in a room with another teenager of the same gender. You have a very strict routine; they tell you when you can shower when you need to be in bed at night when to get up when you can come out to the common area when it is time for group therapy and then there was always "exercise class" where we had to walk around the psych ward section single file about 20 times before we could sit down for some more therapy. During this therapy everyone was required to share why they were there and as I listened I felt guilt rush over me because as my turn came around it din't even compare to what these other teenagers have been through. Unimaginable evil from satan was given to these people and they were so lost and without all hope.

A huge changing moment for me was one of the male nurses pulled me aside to a table and asked why I was there and what led to it and all that and then very bluntly just asked me if I was a christian and upon my reply he opened up and said he was too and he told me to look around this room and remember each heart breaking story that these kids have gone and you have something so amazingly powerful that they don't have; God. Most of these kids don't even have family come to visit but yet you have family and above all you have God so WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! God did not do this you chose to give up on him because you aren't paying attention to what He is doing for you and focusing everything you have on all things negative. "Allyson, you have something special compared to almost every case I see in here year after year and this is not where you need to be or where you need to turn so get it together and quit digging in your heels and reach out to God because I can gaurantee He wants you out of here so His arm is stretched and ready to go just don't loose hope, He loves you and He always will even when you don't understand the plan" WOW what a nurse. That day was a changing point I won't lie as weird as it seems even upon release I had a hard time after two cutting experiences I promised my dad that I would never do it again when I saw the pain in his face and when he told me that his heart as  father cannot take it and I have never done it since.

I will say once you have done it once that thought will flash through your mind when times get tough and you just have to let the thought gallop away and move on. I hadn't shared this out of shame but here it is so this happened on top of all of my medical trauma and like I said reach out to me if you struggle with you I know most people think nooo way I would do that but sorry people the correct buttons have not been pushed to bring you to that level so we are all at risk. Get in contact with me if you struggle and need help you cannot do it with God and  support  and I will gladly walk along side you and we will perservere together but you can stop.

Email:ALLHARTMANMOVIP@GMAIL.COM

EMAIL ME FOR MY PHONE NUMBER CAUSE PEOPLE BE CREEPIN UP IN HERE

Looking Forward

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

So, we have had a couple of days of really nice weather and since I have decided to get up and fight this disease and not let it take over my life I have been really trying to do something every day that I can. One day was spent on a walk at creve coeur park with the roomie and she jogged and I...did not. I walked and then sat and walked and sat exc.To my surprise; I made it to the bridge overpass and then headed back. I knew the roomie would not be done for awhile so I sat under a shady tree and watched the lake and felt the cool breeze come off it. Peace. I have not felt much a long the way of peace lately and in the moment with the amazing weather I looked up and couldn't help but to think about how the creator of all of this beauty created me too and died for me and when this life is over this moment of beauty and peace will not even compare to the paradise He prepared for me when this life is over. I just was given the tiniest thought glimpse of eternal paradise. 

I then dragged myself back to the car to wait for the roomie even though I didn't want to leave my spot of peace but I knew she might panic that I died somewhere if I wasn't in the car. As soon as I sat in the car my autonomic dysfunction symptoms went into full blast. Basically during my walk my CNS does not automatically make all the little connections happen instantly like it is supposed to such as heart rate regulation, temperature control, blood pressure, and all of those vital things that should instantly know when you change position and be prepared and ready to go. So, the entire time I was walking it was firing signals all over the place and going crazy trying really hard but failing to regulate anything and when I sat in the car it can work even harder because I am not exerting and with that comes a pile of ill feelings. Headaches that pulsate as fast as my heart is going, increase in pulse, shaking, nausea, lightheaded, vision changes exc. basically everything that happens when your entire body goes out of control and it took the rest of that day and all night of not moving and medications and port fluids to get it semi-regulated.

I felt amazing. I am learning that I am going to have to accept and push through the side effects in order to get better and to feel happy again. I will have to endure the suffering of my CNS going psycho with even worse symptoms than listed above for up to a year but it is the only chance I have at getting better. If I continue as I am now I will stay this way or deteriorate and I have lost enough of the so called best years of my life that I don't want to miss anymore than I have too. I am already loosing the freedom that I just gained by having to move back home in August which is really just starting to hit me now I refuse to not move forward so I can get back out on my own and have my own life. A lot of my life has involved suffering and for whatever reason God is not done allowing that and I don't know why and it is hard and sucks but I do know He has a plan or He wouldn't have saved my life this many times.

A lot of changes have occurred since December 18th 2013. My whole life has been flipped upside down. I lost my permission to drive until the 2nd week in June due to the seizure, I lost my job, I lost my strength and basic abilities to do simple tasks and much more. I am currently facing the fact that I will be having to move back into my parents house at the end of August and that one is a really hard one for me. Due to all of the illnesses I have faced in my life I feel like I have lost a lot of my independence from that alone and now I was finally moved out and it feels so good to be out on my own and feel like and adult instead of sick child and to be able to make my own adult decisions and freely live my life. I have been enjoying every minute of it and I absolutely love it so the fact that I have to go back home is hitting me very hard. I don't want to. I don't want to go backwards because backwards does not usually mean really great things and I know my parents realize I am an adult but because of my illness being treated as one is a little trickier. As freedoms get taken one by one my soul takes it all as one blow at a time as well, I don't understand why God would allow this now and in my little mind it almost seems cruel to rip all of this away from me right now but I know everything He does is for my good so I just have to go whether I understand or not I must follow in obedience.

The future is really unknown right now due to job restrictions that interviewers would be faced with immediately and my port and IV fluids and then doing enough PT to be strong enough to hold up through the weeks. I struggle so much with pure unknown, I hate not having any clue what God is doing. Is he creating the perfect job for me? Is he molding the heart and soul of my future husband before He drops him in front of me? Is He calling me to go back to school? Is he calling me to start a ministry? Is He calling me to just shut it and wait for who knows how long as a challenge? I have no idea and I hate not having ideas but my comfort comes from knowing that my savior has my best interest in mind and has a plan prepared for me and this is a blip on His plan and I must trust and see it through in the good times and joyful times because He is GOD.

  Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He's coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again

 One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine

weight of the sins of prisoners

Happy Jesus died FOR you day! I did not have the strength to make it to church today even though I really wanted to but my nervous system said NO. Today has been a very contemplative day; I have not FELT close to Jesus for awhile now because of my own heart and I acknowledge that it is on my part and not His but I will never lose the pure faith I have in the knowledge of Him being there and doing everything He promises He will do for me and with me. This thought brought me to the death and resurrection of Jesus, we face pain whether it is physical or emotional on this earth but what we feel will never compare to the pain Jesus felt. People always think of that as the suffering of beatings and hanging on a cross but it goes deeper.

Yes, He did endure that but what amazed me more as I remembered it today is that after all of that suffering He literally took on all of our sins. I was thinking of how guilty I feel if I lie and to think that He took on the guilt of EVERY person that had and would exist from that day to eternity. Just imagine walking into a prison and having the full sense of guilt from each person in there put in your heart instead of there's; could you take that? I couldn't take that let alone be a someone who has NEVER sinned even once so the only sense of guilt Jesus ever felt was when the weight of the world's was put on Him on that cross. I believe that was the worst part of his crucifixion; worse than the beatings, the crown of thorns, the nails through His hands and feet and hung on a cross. God at that moment was in heaven watching his son suffer and when that sin was put on Jesus God turned his head away from his only son for the first time because he could not stand the sin. Jesus suffered all of that and to top it all off his own dad could not longer look at him with love and he never did one sin. Not even one. HE TOOK IT FOR US.

I can't stand the thought of one of those things done or put on me let alone all of them and I do deserve it because I am a sinner unlike Jesus. All of this thought today really made me remember how much I am loved by my savior and even though He has given me so many trial through life and as I still face more to come He has never left and is still guiding me whether I am completely on board or not because He loves me. He loves me so much that would take everything above just for me alone and a love like that cannot be broken by trials and earthly suffering even when I fail to trust and want to give up because I don't understand why my life has to keep going this way when I am so young. I know He has a plan for all of this and even though it feels to me like I am loosing all of the best experiences in life and I feel like my world is falling apart already, He is there putting my life into place.

Jesus is alive sitting on the throne next to God asking us to just have faith. He wouldn't have done what He did if He didn't have each of our lives in his hands with a special plan for each one and no matter how many times we stray He never let's go even when we don't understand this life and want answers to trials right now He says just trust me I won't let go. I have been really emotional today just from missing my old life and my independence; I am tired of being banned from driving and being able to care for patients and do fun things with the roomie, just all of it. I am tired but Jesus will carry me when I can't carry myself and right about now I can't do it and I am beyond thankful I can go limp and let go and it will be okay all because the savior loves me. AND YOU.

Your worlds not falling apart, it's falling into place. JUST BE HELD.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when youre tired of fighting
Chained by your control
Theres freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when youre on your knees and answers seem so far away

Youre not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
Im on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
Youll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
Youll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, youll understand
Im painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where youll find Me
And where you are, Ill hold your heart
Ill hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go


I don't want to fight anymore, I just want to be held by the ONE on the throne and now that I am done fighting and can let go and  find HIM in the storm and He will take me where I am and hold me. to be held by God sounds so peaceful vs. fighting it and trying to control my circumstances.

allergic reactions

I am allergic to my port covering which led me to an allergist and now this skin patch test which I mentioned last time. Let me just say that forbidding someone to take any of there regular allergy meds for about a week or the Benadryl for the port reaction and then putting things that I will react to ALL over my back and I can't do anything until Monday is really not nice. My port itches and has rashed out like crazy and now my whole back burns constantly. For real?!?!

Been awhile...I am still alive as far as I know.

Nothing of note has really occurred recently. The only thing is I am going to an allergist for break outs around my port that is making my skin deteriorate. I have a skin patch test on my back now and she already researched 30 types of tegaderm and came up with a list that she will pass onto BJC homecare to see if they can be approved to be used with ports. We will try those and if that doesn't work she will write a special script saying that the sterile tegaderm needs to be changed every day and that the pt has the medical background and knowledge to change on her own daily. BJC probably would refuse to pay for a nurse to come every day but since I know sterile technique and could do it on my own that is actually an option I have that most don't.


I will say that sometimes it takes some hard words to get a reality check. It took me so long from the time of the seizure just to get to having the port and feeling so sick that I was exhausted and in a way gave up on moving forward with the physical therapy because it was overwhelming and I was so exhausted and tired of everything that just thinking about that step was too much let alone doing it. Thanks to the reality check from the  roomie that I needed to hear. I have realized that I may not want to go forward because it is not going to make me feel well but I have to in order to get better and if I sit around here I will stay how I feel. To get better I HAVE to take that next step. there is no other option. God will get me through this just like everything else but I have to step out in faith and do it. Sometimes we all just need a kick in the pants.



Lastly, I do have to say I am definitely better than I was a month ago.At least every other week I seem to notice a teeny tiny change in what I can do and how long I can do it. That is a huge blessing from God and does boost my spirits and something to be thankful for. It is always so hard because there is ok I am this bit better and then there is where I want to be. Makes it hard to really notice the changes and I had to rely on my dad to point them out to me because for me it comes down to I still don't feel good so other people looking in put me in my place sometimes and it is for the best. God is still working through this with me and he will not stop.