Happy Jesus died FOR you day! I did not have the strength to make it to church today even though I really wanted to but my nervous system said NO. Today has been a very contemplative day; I have not FELT close to Jesus for awhile now because of my own heart and I acknowledge that it is on my part and not His but I will never lose the pure faith I have in the knowledge of Him being there and doing everything He promises He will do for me and with me. This thought brought me to the death and resurrection of Jesus, we face pain whether it is physical or emotional on this earth but what we feel will never compare to the pain Jesus felt. People always think of that as the suffering of beatings and hanging on a cross but it goes deeper.
Yes, He did endure that but what amazed me more as I remembered it today is that after all of that suffering He literally took on all of our sins. I was thinking of how guilty I feel if I lie and to think that He took on the guilt of EVERY person that had and would exist from that day to eternity. Just imagine walking into a prison and having the full sense of guilt from each person in there put in your heart instead of there's; could you take that? I couldn't take that let alone be a someone who has NEVER sinned even once so the only sense of guilt Jesus ever felt was when the weight of the world's was put on Him on that cross. I believe that was the worst part of his crucifixion; worse than the beatings, the crown of thorns, the nails through His hands and feet and hung on a cross. God at that moment was in heaven watching his son suffer and when that sin was put on Jesus God turned his head away from his only son for the first time because he could not stand the sin. Jesus suffered all of that and to top it all off his own dad could not longer look at him with love and he never did one sin. Not even one. HE TOOK IT FOR US.
I can't stand the thought of one of those things done or put on me let alone all of them and I do deserve it because I am a sinner unlike Jesus. All of this thought today really made me remember how much I am loved by my savior and even though He has given me so many trial through life and as I still face more to come He has never left and is still guiding me whether I am completely on board or not because He loves me. He loves me so much that would take everything above just for me alone and a love like that cannot be broken by trials and earthly suffering even when I fail to trust and want to give up because I don't understand why my life has to keep going this way when I am so young. I know He has a plan for all of this and even though it feels to me like I am loosing all of the best experiences in life and I feel like my world is falling apart already, He is there putting my life into place.
Jesus is alive sitting on the throne next to God asking us to just have faith. He wouldn't have done what He did if He didn't have each of our lives in his hands with a special plan for each one and no matter how many times we stray He never let's go even when we don't understand this life and want answers to trials right now He says just trust me I won't let go. I have been really emotional today just from missing my old life and my independence; I am tired of being banned from driving and being able to care for patients and do fun things with the roomie, just all of it. I am tired but Jesus will carry me when I can't carry myself and right about now I can't do it and I am beyond thankful I can go limp and let go and it will be okay all because the savior loves me. AND YOU.
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