Looking Forward

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

So, we have had a couple of days of really nice weather and since I have decided to get up and fight this disease and not let it take over my life I have been really trying to do something every day that I can. One day was spent on a walk at creve coeur park with the roomie and she jogged and I...did not. I walked and then sat and walked and sat exc.To my surprise; I made it to the bridge overpass and then headed back. I knew the roomie would not be done for awhile so I sat under a shady tree and watched the lake and felt the cool breeze come off it. Peace. I have not felt much a long the way of peace lately and in the moment with the amazing weather I looked up and couldn't help but to think about how the creator of all of this beauty created me too and died for me and when this life is over this moment of beauty and peace will not even compare to the paradise He prepared for me when this life is over. I just was given the tiniest thought glimpse of eternal paradise. 

I then dragged myself back to the car to wait for the roomie even though I didn't want to leave my spot of peace but I knew she might panic that I died somewhere if I wasn't in the car. As soon as I sat in the car my autonomic dysfunction symptoms went into full blast. Basically during my walk my CNS does not automatically make all the little connections happen instantly like it is supposed to such as heart rate regulation, temperature control, blood pressure, and all of those vital things that should instantly know when you change position and be prepared and ready to go. So, the entire time I was walking it was firing signals all over the place and going crazy trying really hard but failing to regulate anything and when I sat in the car it can work even harder because I am not exerting and with that comes a pile of ill feelings. Headaches that pulsate as fast as my heart is going, increase in pulse, shaking, nausea, lightheaded, vision changes exc. basically everything that happens when your entire body goes out of control and it took the rest of that day and all night of not moving and medications and port fluids to get it semi-regulated.

I felt amazing. I am learning that I am going to have to accept and push through the side effects in order to get better and to feel happy again. I will have to endure the suffering of my CNS going psycho with even worse symptoms than listed above for up to a year but it is the only chance I have at getting better. If I continue as I am now I will stay this way or deteriorate and I have lost enough of the so called best years of my life that I don't want to miss anymore than I have too. I am already loosing the freedom that I just gained by having to move back home in August which is really just starting to hit me now I refuse to not move forward so I can get back out on my own and have my own life. A lot of my life has involved suffering and for whatever reason God is not done allowing that and I don't know why and it is hard and sucks but I do know He has a plan or He wouldn't have saved my life this many times.

A lot of changes have occurred since December 18th 2013. My whole life has been flipped upside down. I lost my permission to drive until the 2nd week in June due to the seizure, I lost my job, I lost my strength and basic abilities to do simple tasks and much more. I am currently facing the fact that I will be having to move back into my parents house at the end of August and that one is a really hard one for me. Due to all of the illnesses I have faced in my life I feel like I have lost a lot of my independence from that alone and now I was finally moved out and it feels so good to be out on my own and feel like and adult instead of sick child and to be able to make my own adult decisions and freely live my life. I have been enjoying every minute of it and I absolutely love it so the fact that I have to go back home is hitting me very hard. I don't want to. I don't want to go backwards because backwards does not usually mean really great things and I know my parents realize I am an adult but because of my illness being treated as one is a little trickier. As freedoms get taken one by one my soul takes it all as one blow at a time as well, I don't understand why God would allow this now and in my little mind it almost seems cruel to rip all of this away from me right now but I know everything He does is for my good so I just have to go whether I understand or not I must follow in obedience.

The future is really unknown right now due to job restrictions that interviewers would be faced with immediately and my port and IV fluids and then doing enough PT to be strong enough to hold up through the weeks. I struggle so much with pure unknown, I hate not having any clue what God is doing. Is he creating the perfect job for me? Is he molding the heart and soul of my future husband before He drops him in front of me? Is He calling me to go back to school? Is he calling me to start a ministry? Is He calling me to just shut it and wait for who knows how long as a challenge? I have no idea and I hate not having ideas but my comfort comes from knowing that my savior has my best interest in mind and has a plan prepared for me and this is a blip on His plan and I must trust and see it through in the good times and joyful times because He is GOD.

  Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He's coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again

 One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine