Life is hard

so, I saw the new doctor and the new med is happening but he doesn't believe in ports. The ONE thing that has truly helped me more than any med. My old doctor is a confusing situation. Basically she all of a sudden went to the VA 2 hours away. When she left we had 2 weeks to figure stuff out and she was still going to be there and help and she said she won't loose practicing rights so she can still manage my stuff. uhhh no. There is no contact information for her and I have heard various things on her practicing rights.


Now that you have that good old background, I will say the source of my struggle is that my port is being weird and it likes to leak the fluids out and it is painful and my nurse said it probably needs replaced. I am trying to trust God but yet my true feelings are still there no matter what I do. I can't make them disappear, I know all the truths in my head but it stops. There is no off switch to feelings that I have found. Yes, God gives peace and I shouldn't worry, but I do. It might not even go like I will write in a second but I'm scared that it will go that way.

The problem is if it needs replaced my new doctor probably won't allow anything other than pulling it with no PICC line or replacement because he wants it removed already. I have gone a couple of days before without the fluids and I felt horrible and almost passed out multiple times. Before the port was placed I was passing out 6 times a DAY and I can't help but to think how bad it will be if I don't do that at all. I am in what if land, I know but it is a good possibility that it will go that way and I just want someone to realize hey this does help her we can continue and replace the port but I have my doubts on this new doctor.

I am trying to give it to God but feelings still remain so please pray for me I am really struggling with this even though I shouldn't be cause God, but I do.