no options...

I was told..again.. today that I am out of treatment options and we have to pick and choose what symptoms to treat without doing damage. I knew that already. It just doesn't get any easier to hear it and accept it without crushing my soul. I think with each doctor I see I go into it with a sliver of hope that they will have my cure despite the fact  that I know it probably won't happen. To date I have seen 3 neurologists, 2 cardiologists, 7 electrophysiologists, 2 primary care doctors, 2 GI doctors, 1 allergist, and 1 oncologist and I got the same answer of "I can't help you" from all of them. I'm at the frozen spot and I think this is where I have to learn to trust that God will do what He said and give me a hope and a future, I'm just not sure what that looks like yet.


I don't WANT to believe that exactly this could be what it looks like. It's a scary place but something I have to confront and learn to cope with whether I want to or not. I have questioned God on what we are doing here through all of this and now I wait on God to take this life that He created and do according to His plan. Perfect plan. It's a plan I really don't understand and it's a hard one but maybe one of these days I will learn to let go and let God, who allowed this, to be the one to give me what I need and drag me through it. You allowed it now it's yours. I can't do it so you have to.