requirements

"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held"-casting crowns

Some days it is so hard not to give up. This disease and it's complications have taken everything from me except life itself and God. That's what I have left and it should be all I need but today the struggle is real, I feel like everything is falling apart while I watch it helplessly and alone. I have the head knowledge to know God won't let go and He is doing great things but my heart isn't along for the ride today. I know my life is in His hands and I need to believe that He is all I require. I don't require my independence, perfect health, people, or anything of this world. I require Jesus and only Jesus. He saves, loves, holds, creates, gives, takes away, restores, heals and provides everything for me.


I know that whenever He calls me home there is only ONE thing that will matter and it's Him. The things of this world will fade away and all of our needs will be met forever in a split second. It's a day I daydream about especially when I feel so defeated. No matter what my brain or my heart says there is hope to be found if I open my eyes and stop sulking for 2 seconds. I will be healed for longer than I will live. I realized this today and smiled as I thought about the fact that I won't always need tubes, medications, formulas, injections, hospitals and all these things that are keeping me alive right now.  Ports, IV fluids, IV Benadryl, blood pressure and pulse meds, seizure meds, blood thinners, calories in formula, pumps, and specialists have to be working in unison in order for me to get through my days.


None of this suffering was in God's intentions but a certain someone just had to be cocky and somebody else just had to talk to snakes. You just can't fix stupid. Well, Jesus can fix stupid and kind of already did; beaten and killed for our stupidity. Love overcomes. I can find hope in the fact that Jesus does not turn away from me even when my heart isn't in the fight and I'm wandering around in self pity. Like today.